Happy Birthday, sweet baby Ricky.

A year ago today you were born. It is not the day that I would have chosen for you to be born. It was too early, and now I can't hold you or kiss you, or smell your sweet little baby smell. I feel you though, all around me, every day.

The time that we had together was so special and so beautiful to me. You taught me of a love that I never knew before. You taught me to cry when I need to, and to laugh at every opportunity. You taught me that I have the strength to face anything that the world throws at me, and that part of being strong is not trying to do everything on my own.

You were, and still are, an amazing gift that I've been given.

Today, on your birthday, I wish that I could shower you with presents and watch you dive into your first birthday cake. I can't give you any of the material things that a child would normally receive on their birthday. I guess you've also taught me that none of those material things really matter anyway. The only thing I have to give you is my love, and I will love you until every star in the sky has been extinguished.

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy.

Ok... so this is the thing.... I'm SO ANGRY! This just isn't fair. Do you know what I wanted to be when I grew up? I wanted to be a mom. I mean, I wanted to work too... but inside of me I always knew that the most IMPORTANT job I'd ever have was being a mother. I know that things like this happen, you know? I mean, I don't expect to lead a charmed life. It's just, why THIS thing??

Oh, I miss my family. My grandmother is the most amazing woman. Throughout my entire life, she has been this warm, bright, presence of acceptance and love and understanding. When I just have the chance to talk to her on the phone it brightens my day. I feel like, if I could just be in her presence... if I could just lay my head on her shoulder... that I might find a little peace.