I know that I haven't had much to say lately. That's not entirely true, my head is filled with things that I'd like to say. I just feel blocked when I'm trying to write it down. I feel emotionally bankrupt in a lot of ways. I don't spend every day sad or crying anymore, and that's good, but I do feel this enormous void. I also feel like I just can't express emotion anymore. Like I'm just putting up this wall and I'm having a hard time letting anyone in lately. I've tried to be really open about all of this, not to let it fester inside of me. It's not really festering now, it's just all being pushed back. Even with my husband, as wonderful as we are at communicating with each other, there's just so much inside and I can't talk about it, I don't know how to.

Maybe this is good, maybe it's just the way the healing process takes place. I don't know. It leaves me feeling a little bit lost and a little bit dead on the inside.

I just had two entire days without this crushing feeling around my heart. Without the constant tears behind my eyes. Two entire days of happiness and lightheartedness. Of course today is not yesterday or the day before. Today the pain is back and that's ok. At least now I can remember what it's like to have two days without it.

My husband is away until friday on a business trip. I haven't done a thing today. The coffee table is covered in the plates, bowls and glasses that I've used throughout the day, and to be honest I just don't care. Yes, I am a slob. Tomorrow I'll start living again, but for now, for today, I'm still in my pj's, I haven't showered and I spent the entire day curled up on the couch watching TV. I will get to the shower thing sometime today because I'm starting to feel kinda just.... ewwwwww. Then I'll change to new pj's and spend the rest of the evening watching more TV. Then tomorrow I'll get up again, I'll clean this place up, I'll search for a job, I'll go to the gym. I'll do all of those things that I know that I need to do in order to keep this life of mine moving forward.

You know, the last time my husband was away for a week on this same business trip, I spent that monday doing almost the same thing. Well, the same, but so very different. I spent that day on the internet all day, searching for baby things, making plans for the nursery and the future. I ignored the domestic things and spent the day singing to my baby. I fell asleep with a baby name book still in my hands, my glasses still on my face. A few hours later I woke up with amniotic fluid flowing down my legs and the baby name book still in my hands. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, praying for a miracle, praying for God to take me instead, praying that my husband would arrive safe, but soon.

When did living become so difficult and will it ever be easy again?

I feel like I've been a lousy friend of late. I feel pretty horrible about it, especially because so many of you have been such good friends to me. Please know that I really do care and if you need something please just ask me.

I am having problems offering emotional support to other people because my own emotions are still all over the place. I'm not trying to make excuses here, I am just offering an explanation.

Please just know that I'm trying. I'm trying to be a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister... I'm trying. I don't always succeed though. It's hard to be all of those things when I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I'm not even always clear on what I myself believe, think and feel and I always feel like my advice to other people just isn't good enough.

It sounds like I'm making excuses, I know it does. *SIGH* I feel like it's all about me, all the time lately. I hate that. I know that you all have problems and sadness and struggles too. I am in no way trying to belittle those things.

If I've hurt you in any way.... if I have failed to give you the support that you would like to have from me.... please forgive me.... please be patient with me.

I really should post here more often. I have a million different thoughts, ideas, and questions floating through my head and yet I feel so scattered. It's like it is impossible for me to grasp even one of those thoughts long enough to write something about it. Focus and concentration are still hard to come by and yet my mind finds it difficult to be still. It keeps me awake at night sometimes, this whirlwind in my head. Maybe that's why the working out thing brings such a relief to me. When I'm on the bike or the treadmill or the rowing machine, when I'm lifting weights or doing circuit training, I am able to focus on the task at hand. With everything else..... Pffffffffffft.

I'm still doing quite well overall. I've come a long way in this process, especially over the last month and yet the sadness still engulfs me. My heart is still shattered and the tears still well up at the most inopportune times. No, the sadness isn't gone. It isn't even any less than it was. It still hurts just the same as it did in the moment that I realized I would never see my son smile. It still hurts the same as it did at his birth, when the only cries I heard were my own.

No, the sadness is not gone, and yet somehow I am doing better. I guess it's not about taking the heartache away, but about finding ways to live with it.

Well, you all may not believe this, but do you know how I've been feeling since the day after my last post?? FANTASTIC! Really... amazingly... I feel GREAT! I'm still sad, I still miss my beautiful little boy, but it's different now. Finally I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I look in the mirror and I see that spark of life in my eyes again instead of just two dark pools of suffering. I feel my optimistic nature returning in abundance. I feel hopeful and peaceful and yes, even happy!

When my husband and I decided to put off on TTC for awhile I thought that I was just going to sink into depression even more, but quite the opposite has happened. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Yes, I still long for children of my own but it doesn't have to be right this minute. I've still got a few years, God willing, to make that happen. I know already that I won't be able to have a 'normal pregnancy.' I will have to have a clercage, which carries its own set of worries, concerns, and potential challenges. Since I know this already I feel like the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to get my body in the best shape that I possibly can in order to try and prevent some of the difficulties that could arise. For instance, sometimes women with cervical stitches are put on bedrest. Well, in my current physical condition that would be devastating to me. I mean, I am not at all fit.... too many years of sickness, laziness, and chocolate. I want to be fit! I want to KNOW without a doubt that my body is physically healthy so that in the future I can provide a safe and healthy environment for life to form once again.

I've already made some great changes within myself in that regard. The food I eat now compared to even a month ago is MUCH better. My husband and I have joined a gym and not only did we join, but we're also GOING. It makes me feel strong and proud of myself to go. It makes me feel closer to Erik because we are each other's best cheerleaders. Together we can achieve anything. Then there's that feeling after a really hard work-out. I don't always like it while I'm doing it, but afterwards it's amazing. After a hard workout I feel like I've just taken the most amazing 'feel good' drug ever discovered. I think I knew that at one time in my life, but I kind of forgot about it.

Anyway, the entire point of this post is: I FEEL GREAT! I am really doing so wonderfully for the first time since my little Ricky fell asleep to this world.

A dear friend of mine kept saying "Let go and let God" and to be honest I kept thinking, yes, but I have to DO something. Yes, but I have to fix it all. Yes, but I don't WANT to let go! Then, for some reason, I had no "yes, but's" left and I finally just DID it. Thanks, JC for saying it until I was ready to hear it. Thank you.

I'm just so overwhelmed. My husband and I have decided not to TTC again for awhile. Well.... I'm going to be really honest about it.... in a lot of ways it is my husband who made that decision. We had a discussion about it and it's really clear to me that it's not something that he's ready for at the moment. I made the decision to go along with it for now because I don't want it to happen until it's the right time for it, and if he's not ready, then we're not ready. I must admit though, I'm struggling with it. My heart is breaking. The points that he made are definitely valid ones though and in my mind I know that he's right this time, that we should wait for a little while and the time will be right when it's right. Normally I am a fairly patient person, but this time I feel like asking every day, is it right now?? Is now the time?? I KNOW it's not in my head, but my heart tells me something else.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ricky it felt like a miracle. We weren't actively TTC (I mean, we weren't charting and temping and all of that stuff.) But for 4 years we used no form of BC or anything like that. I really started to believe that maybe something was wrong, maybe we would never have children or we would have to go through fertility treatment or something in order to have children. Then I was pregnant. Unexpectedly, blissfully pregnant. It felt like a miracle. Then our family was hit by tragedy when my MIL became very ill very quickly and passed away a few weeks later. The pregnancy felt even more like a miracle then. Like something beautiful and wonderful that the entire family was clinging to in the face of tragedy. Then he was gone. So quickly that beautiful little life left us. And now I'm here..... feeling like I got only half a miracle.

I know what I need to do... I need to address my husband's fears and work to resolve them, or at least to get them to a point where compromise is possible. He wants kids, he just doesn't see how it will work right now. I need to show him that it WILL work. We've agreed that if we can get to that point where he can see a light at the end of the tunnel... where he can feel comfortable and happy bringing a child into our lives... that we will seriously start TTC, no holds barred. That we will start TTC even if it means seeing Drs and getting treatments, whatever it takes. But how can I make that happen? I'm just tired. I'm so so tired and I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to make it work.

I'm a firm believer in the old adage that God helps those who help themselves. I'm trying.... I don't know how to help myself anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm trying to live again.... trying to find joy again... trying to find that passion for life again.... but I just can't find it. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place. I just wish I could recognize myself again.

It's time to start living again. It's time to start searching for a new job.... to start seriously trying to create an addition to our family again... to start enjoying the simple pleasures of life again. I have been standing still since the day that we lost Ricky, not trying, or even wanting to try to move from this place of pain and desperation. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Perhaps my time of mourning is not over, but I do recognize that it is time to move on to the next stage. It's not that I haven't seen the world's beauty since I lost him. I've seen it. I've even basked in it on occasion. It just didn't feel 'real' to me. It wasn't tangible anymore. I have laughed, but my laughter has been hollow. Only my pain has been honest. Only my heartache has been corporeal. It's time to move away from that.

Part of me doesn't want to leave this place. I want to sit here alone with the memory of my son. I know that I can't do that. I can't do that to myself and I can't do that to his memory.

Movement..... velocity.... it is time.

I wanted to share a poem with you. Perhaps it is a bit somber, a bit depressing, but it is a reflection of where I am right now. If I've learned nothing else through this process, I've learned that we must feel what we feel when we feel it, otherwise anger, fear, and bitterness will consume our lives.


Can anyone see me?

I wear a mask, it's true
please look beyond it
recognize my pain
it's the only thing I see
when I look at my own reflection

Can anyone hear me?

to you it is but a wimper
please listen more closely
hear my deep despair
it's the only thing I hear
when everything else is quiet

Can anyone touch me?

perhaps this wall is just too high
please reach a bit further
touch my inner affliction
it's the only thing I feel
when I am alone in the darkness

Can anyone help me?

I shut you out in fear and pain
please break through my defenses
help pull me from this desolation
it's the only thing I see
it's the only thing I hear
it's the only thing I feel
inside of myself

Lisa J.
July 14, 2006

I enjoy this house, my home. It's quite big by Dutch standards.... three bedrooms, a good size bathroom, a garage and a little garden shed. My husband grew up in this house. He is the youngest of eight children! I'm sure there are just so many stories that these walls could tell about the family of ten that once filled this house. It really is a house that deserves to have children in it. It is in the middle of a small city. Most of the people living in this city look out their front window and see only a street and other houses. I, on the other hand, look out my front window and see a large field of green, full of animals and trees. I am, and probably always will be, a 'country girl' so it makes me happy to have deer and a donkey and peacocks and chickens and goats and llamas and wallabies and fuzzy little bunnies as neighbors, especially since I don't have the option of living in the middle of nowhere. I love my home. It keeps me warm and safe. It's walls are filled with love and laughter. And yes, it would be the perfect home for a child to grow up in. Oh I do hope that I get that chance, that I have that experience in my life. What a blessing it is to live here, in this house that has become my home.

I've been feeling quite 'homesick' lately for America. It's not the place that I long for, but the people. My family... my blood. This is the place that life has led me though, this is my home. There are still times when I feel like I'm living in a 'foreign' land. Times when I am frustrated by the language and the customs and the many small differences that can only been seen after living here. Times when I long for the familiarity of my childhood land. But then I walk in this house and here, everything is familiar. This house is not America, but it's also not Holland. It's a beautiful combination of the two people living inside of it. To most people it is 'nothing special.' I mean, there are still parts of this house that have not been redecorated since 19 73. It doesn't matter though, not to me. To me it is the most special place on earth.... the best home I could ever ask for.

Happy Birthday America!

(and Happy Birthday to my brother too!)

Although I'm not there, I still normally celebrate the holiday in some way. Well, this year the time just got away from me. I didn't even REALIZE that today was the 4th of July until yesterday. Oh, where has the time gone?

Well, it's too hot to do anything today anyway. Too hot for a BBQ, too hot to go outside, too hot to even MOVE today.

I had my first appointment with a councilor yesterday. It went REALLY well. I was afraid to go, but I'm glad that I did. After I got home I broke down a bit.... too many emotions brought to the surface during that 30 minute conversation. It wasn't a bad thing though, in fact that little break down is probably just what I needed. Afterwards I fell asleep on the couch just from sheer emotional exhaustion. After a two hour nap I woke feeling refreshed and renewed and ready to face life again. Since then I've been feeling GREAT! I know that I still have some work to do, still have some grieving to do, still have some talking to do BUT the relief that I'm feeling right now is a giant step in the right direction. It was nice having someone to talk and not feeling worried that I might cause hurt feelings or bring up painful subjects.

For the first time in weeks I feel like I'm going to make it! There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I can breathe again.

Well, I took a big step today. I finally went to my family dr. to talk to him about all of this stuff. I haven't been dealing very well lately. I'm angry, I'm scattered, I'm sad, I can't focus, I always feel like I'm an inch away from being in a complete panic.

So the first challenge at my Dr's office was that the waiting room was just FILLED with children, babies, and pregnant women! Usually when I go there the waiting room is filled with older people. NO NO, NOT today! *I* was going there today, so today HAD to be the day that every child in the world had a sniffle. (Well, at least that's how it felt.) A little girl, probably about 4 years old actually said to her mom, "Mama... it's so sad, she misses her baby," and then pointed to me! Children really must see a world that we do not.. it's strange isn't it?

Anyway, by the time I made it to his office I was a TOTAL wreck. I was shaking and I had that stinging feeling of tears right behind my eyes. I probably looked like I was having a nervous breakdown, and who knows, maybe I was.

We talked for awhile and I told him how I was feeling. He suggested that I should go to see a psychologist, and probably that is the best thing for me to do. There is a 6 week waiting list to get into the psychologist, but with one phone call my Dr. was able to get me an appointment for Monday morning. He was worried that if I didn't have an outlet soon that I would slip into a much more severe depression and thought that my situation could be classified as an 'emergency' situation.

I feel relieved to be going really. I have to admit though, I'm pretty terrified at the same time. I guess I just don't like to thought of opening up, face to face, with a complete stranger. Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the 'stranger' part. Maybe I'm afraid of totally opening up because I'm afraid of what I'll find there. Afraid of the things that I may actually be trying to hide from myself. Knowledge is always power though, even when we learn things that we'd rather not know. I've always been the kind of person who would rather know that not know in all situations, so maybe there are some things inside of me that I really do need to get out in the open.

I've written here so many times recently and, after re-reading, decided not to post.

I'm just... I don't know... I DON'T KNOW! The anger and sadness is ripping me apart. I'm starting to feel bi-polar or something. Extreme highs and extreme lows, and everything in the middle.

I just MISS him. My heart breaks every day and I just want my sweet baby here with me.

I was doing so well. I'd found hope and peace again. I was living again. I don't know when or why or how it happened, but in the last few days all of that has just blown away. How do I find it again??

It seems that my REALLY good days are almost always followed by REALLY bad days. I'm content with the days that are just days, neither really happy or really sad.

I've had a few bad days this week. Those days when getting out of bed feels like such an effort. Those days when I physically feel like my heart is breaking. No matter how well life is going there are still times when I just have to open up the memory box that I have for Ricky and cry. He was such a tiny little thing and SO beautiful. I still can't belive that something so pure and so beautiful came from me. Ok, I'm going to stop talking about this stuff for now because I'm only making myself cry. So far today has been an ok day and I want to keep it that way. On to other things.......


I have World Cup Fever! It's strange really, but I have been watching 3 soccer games a day (well, 2 of them I KINDA watch while I'm busy with other things, and the latest game I always watch with Erik in the evening.) Tonight Holland plays again and I am SOOOOOOOO excited about it. When they play it's fantastic. During the game there is NO ONE on the streets, and I do mean NO ONE! There is a park across the street from my house and it's always busy there, especially in the summer. NOT when Oranje is playing! I'm always amazed at how many people actually watch the games.

For some reason I finally understand why men (in general) like to watch sports so much. I mean, I don't get it with EVERY sport, but I'm starting to feel obsessed with soccer and I'm already feeling sad that the World Cup lasts only 3 weeks more. I always saw soccer as a bunch of guys kicking around a ball (that must be the American woman in me, I dunno.) Now I'm enthralled by it! Now I sit here yelling at the ref, "NO NO that WASN'T off-sides!!! Are you BLIND???" hahahaha Ahhhh well, it's a good way to release my frustrations I guess!

I guess that's all I have to say at the moment. I'm sure there will be an update this evening after Nederland WINS! (oh please oh please oh PLEASE WIN!)

I had my OB appointment today and got all of my test results back. Everything was negative YAYYYYY!!! That's a good thing and means that I shouldn't have a big problem carrying a baby to term in the future. The official diagnosis is incompetent cervix. That's not really great news, but the best news that I can expect. If I am ever pregnant again then I will probably have to have a stitch placed in my cervix and will have to see my OB on a weekly basis throughout the pregnancy. I can deal with that.

I had an extraordinarily good weekend. On Saturday we went to the BurgersZoo in Arnhem. We had a great time and I have a healthy sun-kissed glow after spending the day out in the sun. I love it that we have been so active in the last month. We've really been getting the most out of our weekends and it feels great. It's always pretty spontaneous too, which I love. Neither of us are really great at planning things in advance. It's been fun waking up on Saturday mornings and saying "Where are we going?" and then we just GO!

Yesterday a friend came over for a visit and we all watched Formula 1 racing followed by World Cup soccer. HUP HOLLAND HUP!!!! The Netherlands won, 1-0!! I'm looking forward to watching the US team tonight! It's nice having two teams to cheer on :)

I have a great life. Yes, it has it's grief and it has it's sadness but it also has so much joy and so much love. I'm feeling happy and so very optimistic about the future.

I'm regaining that sense of pride that I lost long ago. I came to this realization that I have not been taking my responsibilities very seriously for a long time now. Well, it's time to start being responsible to myself. I really do want to be a mother, and I want to be a mother SOON, but maybe taking a look at me and concentrating on ME for awhile isn't such a bad idea. Having children is an ENORMOUS responsibility and I would hate to think that I wouldn't take that responsibility as seriously as I should. As far as TTC.... I'm not doing anything to PREVENT it, but I also don't want to become totally obsessed about it just yet. I guess I'm using the wait and see approach. I have been charting and all of that, and I will continue to do so. Charting brings me more in touch with my own body and more aware of what is 'normal' for me.

I have started taking the responsibility of my own body/exercise/food intake seriously for the first time in my life really. No crash dieting going on here, I feel like it's just unhealthy and unreasonable. My first goal is to make myself stronger. I'm tired of feeling weak and un-energetic. I'm tired of being a couch potato. I've been doing SO well this week and I'm extremely proud of myself! I have SO much more energy! I'm actually starting to feel like ME again, and let me tell you, the loss of ME hasn't just been since losing Ricky. That's just been building and building for a very long time.

My optimism just keeps rising and that's definitely a nice thing to have again. Looking at life from the 'glass half empty' perspective really doesn't suit me and it's definitely how I've seen the world most of the time since losing Ricky. I'm enjoying this feeling of hope and rejuvenation. I don't have that EVERY day, yesterday for instance, I was just mad at the world/universe/God/my husband/myself. I guess it's alright to feel that way sometimes, otherwise the anger just builds up until I explode. Today is a new day, and today I don't feel that way anymore.

I have been feeling really frustrated lately because of my weight. Don't get me wrong, I think that I am a beautiful woman both inside and out. The outside, however, could use a little help. I was already overweight before my pregnancy and since losing Ricky I've REALLY been hitting the comfort food in a bad way. Well..... I'm SICK of it! I would really like to TTC again but feel like I need to make some positive changes in my lifestyle first. If I am ever pregnant again I really want to be more healthy so that I can give a future (I hope) baby the most healthy start possible.

I recently joined a site that promotes healthy lifestyle changes at http://www.sparkpeople.com So far I just LOVE it. Goals are set in baby steps and don't feel overwhelming to me. It's helping me a lot, not only with weight-control, but also with day to day life. It feels good to be setting goals again. It makes me feel like I'm in control of SOMETHING in my life when everything else has just been feeling so out of control.

I really hit a bit of a low-point at the end of last week, but since then things have defiantly been looking up. Oh... I'm still grieving, but there are beginning to be more good moments than bad moments. The bad moments are still REALLY bad, and really difficult, and really painful, but those times have turned into moments of the day and not entire days anymore. I've actually gone a full 24 hours and sometimes more without crying.

My heart is filled with so much love and so much bittersweet joy when I think about my darling boy. Having 17 weeks with him, feeling that love that exists only between a mother and her child, it is a blessing and a gift. Oh I miss him. I really do. I wish that he could be physically here with me for a lifetime, and not just 17 weeks. It's just not the way it is though. I've accepted that and I'm dealing with that. The time that I DID have with him.... those 17 weeks... every second of that time is precious to me and I'm so glad that I had the honor of providing a warm and loving environment for him during his short time here on earth.

So far it's just been one of those challenging days. I knew already it would be a rough day emotionally. I would have been 24 weeks pregnant today and 24 weeks is the age of viability. If I had made it this far in my pregnancy my son would have had at least a chance of survival. Oh how I ache to have him still safely tucked inside of me.

So I was having an emotionally difficult morning already. At 10:50am I still hadn't managed to get out of bed and showered and dressed when my doorbell rang. At my door was the 'stadswacht' or the 'city watch' to translate it literally. I was immediately confronted with a very rude and angry woman who informed me that it was illegal to dump garbage into public parks and if I didn't clean up my mess before next Wednesday that I would have to go to court. Well I am NOT the one who dumped trash from my garden in the park across the street and I told her that. She got up in my face, yelling, saying that she had already CONFIRMED that I had dumped the trash there and I had to clean it up ASAP. I'm not doing too well lately controlling my emotions and my blood started to boil. I'm ashamed to say that I got in a bit of a shouting match with her right in my front yard. Now, my normal reaction to such a thing would never have been to get so angry. I'm not really an angry person. I'm almost always able to react to people with dignity and respect, even if I feel that they are rude and don't necessarily deserve it. Today wasn't one of those days though. I guess she just ASSUMED that it was from our front yard since we recently re-landscaped it. Regardless, I am totally ashamed and embarrassed by my reaction to her.

Now I'm having a problem letting that angry feeling go. Now I'm just feeling bitter and upset and in a terribly bad mood. I feel like throwing things! I feel like lashing out at the world. Maybe it's not such a bad idea if I stay in today.

I'm exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.

The visit with my parents was wonderful. It kept me very busy, which was a nice distraction from all of the pain and grief that I have been feeling. They left on Monday afternoon and it was a difficult good-bye. I love living here, and I love my life here for the most part, but lately I've been hearing my "home" far away calling me back. I guess since losing Rieky (MIL) and since losing Ricky I am just missing that comfortably familiar feeling of 'family.' If it were not for the financial implications I think we would pack up and move right away. I think my husband even feels it. Now that both of his parents have passed on there is just not really a reason to stay here anymore. Of course with the financial aspect of it all it's just not possible to pick up our lives and move to a different country at the moment. Maybe in the future, who knows?

The house just felt so empty again yesterday. Part of me was relieved about it because I finally had a moment alone again, a moment to sit and weep, a moment to cry and scream and ask that question with no answer.... WHY? After the moment was over it just felt empty again though, and that is a feeling that I am just so uncomfortable with.

It's been 7 weeks today since my precious little boy was born. I never imagined that I could ever miss someone this much, especially someone that I never had the chance to know. I never imagined that I could love the way that I love him. I am sad and angry that he is gone, but even so I would never want to change the fact that he was with me once. I am such a different person than I was before his existence. I hope that some of those changes go away with time, like thinking a bit more negatively. I have always been an optimist and I do hope that my optimism returns one day. There are other changes that I want to keep forever. Like the empathy that I feel when I see someone else's pain, like the gratitude and appreciation that I have for my husband and my parents and my family and my friends that I have always had, but before Ricky too often took for granted.

I'm starting to see and plan for my future again. I feel that optimistic spirit starting to return, even if only in tiny little pieces. Does that mean I miss him any less?? No, not at all. I miss him more and more every day. Does that mean I love him less?? No, my love for him just keeps growing. My love for him is what is healing me. It fills my heart and makes me want to live again. Often that love touches a part of my heart that is still tender and raw, and then it hurts, and then I sob and I wail and I cry out for mercy! But after the sobbing and wailing comes peace as that part of my heart begins to heal, because this love that I have for him, it is the purest sense of love that I have ever felt. This kind of love, no matter what the circumstances, can only enrich my life and feed my soul. This love transcends my anguish, it overpowers my despair. This love is good and pure and could never be a bad thing to experience.

It's strange how some days are just tougher than others. Today was a tough one in a lot of ways. I just miss him SO MUCH. I saw him today though. There were three little baby birds learning to fly in our back yard this afternoon. One of them landed right on my sleeve as I was trying to take a picture of it. SO beautiful. Anyway, it brought a tear to my eye. As he flew from my sleeve part of me felt like I was letting go of my sweet baby, watching him find his own wings and take flight.

I miss him. *sigh*

Erik and I were just outside looking at the very beautiful night sky. He said, "There's so much I could have taught Ricky about the stars." I started thinking.... it's every parent's dream that their children will know more than they know and be better people than they are, right? Well, I guess that's one dream that I had for him that has happened. He doesn't have the limitations of this earth holding him back. My sweet baby angel, oh how I miss him.

There was a memorial service tonight at the care facility where my mother in law spent her last few days. The service was for all of those residents who had passed on in the first three months of the year. There was a ceremony in which the pastor called the name of the departed and a family member stepped to the front and took a rose with their name on it and put it in a vase. The service wasn't really all that emotional, I mean, most of the deaths were older people who passed on weeks and months ago. I guess we just tend to 'move on' from those deaths a bit easier, when people lived long lives. Anyway, there was a point during the rose ceremony where the pastor called the name of a woman, and an old man stood up to walk forward to collect the rose. I'm in tears just writing about it now. He stood up and he was just frozen, with tears running down his face. Someone else stood up with him and had to help him up to the front. My parents were there too, and of course they were just sitting there not understanding a word (as it was all in dutch,) but when that man stood there, with his sorrow and grief on his face we were all in tears. I guess there are some things that transcends all languages and grief is one of those things.

I do miss him. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I just wish I could understand everything. I just wish I could see some purpose in it all.

My parents are here! It's nice. It just feels really good to have family around me. There hasn't been a whole lot of bonding time yet, they've got to overcome the jetlag first. I think everyone else in the house is sleeping at the moment. Even the two little piggies are hiding away in their houses.

I've been doing REALLY well lately. I feel like there has been a definate change for the better. I'm still very sad, and I still even cry a lot, but the dark, desperate, lonely grief seems to have lifted.

Yesterday was a sad day, I really couldn't keep my mother-in-law and Ricky off of my mind. I cried a lot while I was cleaning and preparing everything for my parents, but I was actually able to DO the work. Just last week I found myself sitting in a heap of weepiness because I was totally overcome by the work that had to be done. Then yesterday, no problems! No anxiety, no depression, just a few tears that I let freely roll down my face whenever it was necessary.

I'm looking forward to the future. I am starting to SEE a future again. Ricky will go with me through the rest of my life. I will always carry him and always love him. I'm sure there will again be dark days in my future, maybe even tomorrow, I won't know until then. For now I'm just going to enjoy the peace that surrounds me and the way that this smile feels on my face.

Friendship- sometimes in our darkest hours it's easy to forget how important true friendship is in our lives. Yesterday evening a wonderful friend of mine came for a visit. We talked and laughed and cried the entire evening away. Today I am feeling refreshed and renewed. I feel like my soul has been cleansed. My grief is not gone, and probably won't be for awhile, but with the help of my friend it has become lighter. I don't feel like my entire being is weighed down by my grief anymore. Thank you Tera for the hope and the peace that you've brought to me!

Home-
An environment offering security and happiness.
A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin


I've been thinking about 'home' all day today. The only thing that feels like home lately is my husband. When he is not here I just feel like I'm passing the day away in this building, when he's here I feel like I'm home. Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck between two places. When I am here I want to go 'home' to West Virginia. When I am in West Virginia I want to go 'home' to the Netherlands.

In the past year or two I've started to really feel at home here, I've started building my life here. I am to the point that I understand the language well enough to always know what's going on around me, and I speak the language well enough to be involved in conversations and to make myself at least understood in almost all circumstances. I was working, I was creating new relationships, I was enjoying life.

Now I feel like I'm starting all over again. I'm totally dependent on Erik for everything lately. Financially, emotionally, even spiritually in some ways. I'm just feeling so lost and it's not a nice place to be.

Everyone keeps saying that it gets easier, that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I believed that for awhile, I held on to that for awhile. It's true that I don't wake up in tears every morning the way I did the first week after I lost Ricky. It's true that I don't spend every waking moment feeling sad and alone. It is not, however, feeling any easier. If anything, the pain is only cutting me deeper and deeper as the days pass. I try not to lock myself up in this house, I try to go out and face the world. It's difficult. Mostly I just wish that I could stay in bed all day.

I took this online test, the Goldberg test on a medical site, measuring depression. This is what it has to say about me: You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately. Well I guess I knew that answer already, and I guess it's probably even the EXPECTED result in situations like this. Just a few short weeks ago I would have answered all of those questions SO very differently.

I'm thinking I might actually go see my Dr. about this all anyway. He actually made a house call the week I lost Ricky, just to check my general health, check that my uterus felt the way it should, and see where I was psychologically. He gave me some meds then to help me sleep and help me when I felt really anxious and upset. I HATE taking meds, but I'm thinking of asking for something again anyway. I feel like if I could just get my footing a little bit, if I just had a little bit of help somehow dealing with all of this anxiety and stress that keeps eating away at me, that I might actually start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm starting to feel all of this pressure to "get over it." Not from Erik or from any really close friends, but from the rest of the world. The neighbors are starting to give me strange looks and even my dad said the other day "you're going to have to be strong and just deal with this." I don't think he really meant it the way that I heard it to be honest, but I really feel like he has NO clue where I am right now.

There's more to write, but I'm out of energy.

Things are going well today. I took a few of the suggestions from my comments, and it seems to be working. First of all, before Erik left for work I asked him to give me a few suggestions on exactly what I should do today in order to try and prepare for my parents arrival this weekend. That helped a lot because it helps me NOT feel totally overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. So after he left I decided to tackle the kitchen. I put on some music and decided that if I could make it through at least 1 song then I had something to be proud of. Well, getting started was the most difficult part. Once I got started it felt quite therapeutic really. Before I knew it the entire kitchen was clean (with the exception of the floors, but that can wait for either later today, or tomorrow.) It always feels better when I'm not surrounded by chaos. I am defiantly no perfectionist, but having order in my home helps bring order to my mind.

A dear friend of mine has a child who is autistic. Yesterday I was researching autism a bit because I feel like the more I know, the better friend I can be to her. I found a web page full of poetry written by an autistic man in his 40's. The poetry wasn't the traditional poetry that we think of. He was just writing, in the most honest way I've ever seen, his thoughts, his fears, his loneliness. I was totally enthralled by his writing. I read so much of it, that after awhile I found myself thinking in that same pattern that he wrote in. It was excruciating really. I feel like I got this tiny little glimpse of exactly what it must be like to live with autism. To be honest, it made me feel like I had so much inside of me, so much that I wanted to express, so much that I wanted to share, but my mind and body wouldn't co-operate with me anymore. Things in my head were moving SO FAST that I couldn't stop long enough to express any of those things in any way that the world could understand. I felt so incredibly frustrated that I broke down into a weeping, blubbering mess and had no idea how to function normally anymore. I'm glad I had that experience. I feel like I learned so much, about myself, about the world, about the way that we treat other human beings that society in general considers 'disabled.' We're really all the same in our core. We all have the basic needs of shelter, food, clothing, and LOVE. We all need to feel like there is someone in this world who understands us and accepts us as we are.

I had so many good intentions today. I was going to scrub away this pain, put everything in it's place, bring order and beauty and happiness again.

Instead I sit here crying and unshowered, the dishes are piled in the sink, the floors are dirty and dust covers everything good and right

I'm sitting here shaking. I don't know how to do it anymore. What do I do with the dirty dishes?
How can there ever be order?

My heart tells me to just break it all, just throw those dishes in the floor and walk over them until my feet are bloody, until they hurt so much I don't feel the pain in my heart.

It's almost 7 o'clock in the evening and families are laughing in the park across the street. I'm just sitting here in my dirty, empty house waiting for someone to tell me what to do next.

I really did have good intentions today. I just don't know where to start anymore.

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes, I know it's the prayer they say at AA, I've seen it on TV enough. I also know that this prayer is sometimes so overused that it seems almost cliche, but this prayer has been keeping me going all day.

I realized today, my life has changed SO MUCH in the last few months. I found out I was pregnant, which was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Only a few days after finding out I was pregnant, my mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were told that she had only about 3 months to live. Actually, the last conversation that we had with her outside of the hospital was to tell her that we were expecting. That was Feb. 2. She was admitted to the hospital only a few days after that with severe stomach pain and increasing signs of dementia and alzheimer's. During most of her hospital stay it was difficult to converse with her. Sometimes she would say things like "I have something so important to tell you.... la la la la la la la la." It was SO very difficult seeing her in that state. She was truly the most loving woman that I've ever known and our relationship with each other was very special and unique. Her family, myself included, had to make a very difficult decision to put her into a sort of care facility. She was moved from the hospital to the care facility on March 20. On March 21 she passed away. in about 6 weeks time she went from a very happy and vibrant woman, to a woman who was dependent on morphine for pain relief, a woman who could no longer feed herself and bathe herself. In a lot of ways her death was easier to deal with emotionally than the end of her life was. It was just so terribly heartbreaking to see her that way. This amazing woman whom I loved so much, this amazing woman who raised my husband to be the kind of man that ANY mother would be proud of. After her funeral I was very sad, but I was also happy for her, that she could finally rest, that she would finally have life again with the dignity and grace that she deserves.

Oh yes..... I was talking about all of the changes. Of course the next big change was the most painful on the personal level. That was the loss of my baby. The loss of all of those hopes and dreams. Not being able to know the person that he would grow up to be. Not being able to have Friday night movie nights, where we watched "shark tale" every Friday for two months straight. Not even knowing what color his hair would be, or what color his eyes would be. Not knowing if he would have his daddy's smile.

Of course, then we come to another change in our home. The loss of our beloved pet piggy, Lucy. Yes, she was just a guinea pig, and perhaps those of you who have never had a pet and those of you who are not animal lovers don't quite understand that it can be quite painful. That's ok, we're all different and there's nothing wrong with that. I did love her though, and my house feels like it's missing something now that she's gone.

There have been other more positive changes too. A new car, a different job for my husband (which is why we got the new car) I lost my job. Maybe that doesn't seem positive, and at the time it didn't feel that way either, but NOW it feels positive. I never could have dealt with the pressure that I had there and I'm not sad that I don't have to go there anymore. I do miss a few of my co-workers though, I miss being surrounded by a lot of really good people every day.

I know this entry is quite rambling, I guess I just needed to write all of this down. My point is, my life has been full of changes lately. Some big changes, some small changes. It's sometimes just overwhelming and I wish that things could just stay the same for a few minutes, but the changes are constant, and most of them I have no control over.

I've been trying to control things. I've been feeling guilty thinking that I COULD have controlled things. That's why the prayer has been in my mind so much today. I need to take a step back. I need to stop trying to control the things that I have no control over. I need to make positive changes in my life in the places where I CAN control things. I need to be able to see the difference.

Sympathy cards- I'm drowning in them. Now don't get me wrong, I think it's really kind that people send them to me, I'm just so tired of having reason for people to send me sympathy cards. I have a huge pile that we received after losing Erik's mom, and another huge pile we received after losing Ricky. Today in the mail there was one from our Vet wishing us strength while dealing with the loss of our pet, Lucy. It was enough to send me over the edge for a little while. It was enough to open up the flood gates and send me to the place of the 'ugly cry' for awhile. I feel like I can't breathe, like I don't even want to breathe anymore. I'm paranoid about what's coming next. I've always tried to be positive, but I feel like I can't keep setting myself up anymore. Every time I start believing that I'm going to be alright I get another kick in the stomache. I know that there are so many people in the world who have been through worse than this, but they must be stronger people than I am because for me it's just enough. I can't take anymore, I'm not even sure I can take what I already have.

Today is a very sad day. Sometime in the night, my sweet little piggie Lucy passed away. My grief just keeps piling up, and I feel like I'm going to break. There's just been too much death and too much grief lately and now I feel like even those simple little pleasures, those little things that hold me together, are being taken away too.

Yesterday evening my husband and I took a drive to a little house in the woods, only a few miles away, where he, his parents, and his 7 brothers and sisters spent their summers. It's really nothing more than a tiny little shack in the middle of the woods, but to hear him speak of those times, it's as if they all went to the most wonderful, exotic place on earth every summer. They didn't have electricity or anything, and they got their food fresh from all of the farmers who lived nearby. They didn't have a car at that time, and his father would drive them all there, one by one, on his little moped. When he talks of those innocent days of childhood his eyes light up and I can see that child, still there, underneath the exterior adult shell that he carries.

I wrote a poem this morning about driving through those woods. It's been a very long time since I've tried my hand at poetry, so it is perhaps a bit rough around the edges.


Driving through the countryside

Driving through the countryside
to the place of childhood dreams
where my sweetheart spent long summer days
dancing in the streams

I saw my sweet small angel there
tucked in behind a tree
he smiled and waved and as he played called
"Mama, look! I'm free!"

Behind him was his grandmother
with smiling big blue eyes
she scooped him up and kissed his cheek
they both waved their good-byes

The tears came flowing down my face
but they were not tears of pain
they were tears of hope and promise
that I will see them both again

And as we left that sacred place
that place of innocent dreams
my son played where his father had
dancing in the streams

Lisa J.
May 10, 2006

She's BAaaaaaaaaaaaaCkk! AF has arrived! (If you don't know what AF means then you are probably a guy, and if you are a guy then you probably don't WANT to know what it means so you should just skip this post :P)

I never thought I could be so happy to see that cranky ole girl, but I am SO happy to see her. It makes me feel normal and hopeful. It makes me feel like I've been given permission to move on, even if only a little bit. HORRAYYY for Auntie Flo!!

All day today I've been going slowly up the hill. I've been able to keep my emotions in check for the most part and I've actually accomplished SOMETHING today, even if it's only a little bit. Well, in the last hour, since my last post actually, things have been going quickly downhill again. This is what I want to know. WILL I ever be a mother with a child here to hold and love??? I really wish that I could KNOW that answer. I've wanted to be a mother my ENTIRE life. I just wish I could look into the future and see the answer. If the answer is NO then I'd like to know it now and start dealing with it now so that I can start letting go of those hopes and dreams instead of spending my life heartbroken because all of the attempts of having a child fail.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, I guess I just needed to vent.

My parents are coming for a visit in 13 days! I've got mixed emotions about it all. I REALLY want to see them, I miss them being a daily part of my life. I think it's the most difficult thing about living on a different continent. At the same time I'm sad about the visit. I'm not sad that they'll be here, but I'm sad that the trip was originally planned as something different. Originally they were coming to help me get prepared for the arrival of Ricky.

The biggest problem I'm having at the moment is just preparing for their arrival. I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to get this place in order. It's been a bigger mess than usual lately. Somehow laundry, dusting, vaccuming, cooking, it all seems so trivial and like a big waste of time. Not that I'm doing anything ELSE with my time besides sitting around on the computer all day. I did get a tiny little corner cleaned out. Maybe if I just do that amount every day until they are here it will all work out alright.

I guess in the long run it all doesn't really matter. My parents will be here. I know that they don't really care how clean my house is, they don't care if everything is 'perfect' for their arrival, they only care about being here and spending time with Erik and I.

The Wadden Sea
A field of flowers
Rescued seal at Pieterburen
The seals who will be released into the wild again soon
Another cutie who was found too thin, and seperated from his mother

There's nothing like a roadtrip to de-stress and put things in a different perspective. As I'm sure you all could tell from my recent blog entries, I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I felt like I was on a downward spiral into depression and didn't know how to work my way back up again.

On Friday evening there was a story on the news about a seal rescue in Pieterburen here in the Netherlands. Erik said, "HEY!! Let's go there tomorrow!" So yesterday morning we made an MP3 disk of traveling music, loaded the piggies cage with food and water, and left on a three hour trip to the northern part of the country.

I had some sad times along the way. I kept thinking about how on our last road trip (a BIG one then, a week long drive from West Virginia to Texas and back again) our little Ricky was conceived. It was sad to think about, but beautiful to think about too. Another sad moment was when a song came on called "Afscheid" (Goodbye) I couldn't figure out how to get it to go away and I was waving my arms around trying to get Erik to turn it off. He just looked at me like I was crazy for a second, and then figured out what I wanted. Then it was also a little bit sad when we were at the seal rescue because I kept thinking about how nice it would be to take Ricky there.

As sad as some moments were I WAS HAPPY! I mean, we had a really good time together. After we left the seal rescue we just drove along the coast line for a few hours. We stopped at the sea and soaked in the beauty of it all. We drove through beautiful farming villages and enjoyed the flowery fields.

It was a beautiful day, and I felt like Ricky was everywhere I looked. He was there in all of nature. In the beauty of the sea, in those beautiful seals that were in need of help, in the hundreds of tiny little lambs that we saw along the way. In all of the beautiful things that God has given us, I saw the face of my son. Not the face of his pain and my pain, that I sometimes can't see through, but the face of beauty and happiness. The face of the child who came to this earth for a purpose and left when he fulfilled that purpose. I don't understand it all yet, it's hard to see what the 'good' could be in this all, but I do firmly believe that my son's presence on this earth has changed it forever.

I'm glad that it's the weekend. It will be nice to NOT be alone for a few days. When I'm alone I start thinking about all of the things that I don't really want to think about. Things like how much Ricky must have suffered in the 24 hours between my water breaking and his delivery. It's just so apparent in the pictures that I have of him that his passing was not easy, and that he really fought to stay with us. It hurts me so deep, knowing that, and it makes me feel guilty that my body couldn't protect him from it.

The last two days have been a bit dark. I feel weak and defeated. I feel lonely and desperate and like I wish I could just disappear.

I would have been 20 weeks today. 20 weeks... halfway through.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just fooling myself when I say that everything's ok. Well, it's 4am, I haven't slept and everytime I try to close my eyes and sleep I only see pictures of my baby in my head. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread here. I just don't know how to do this anymore. How will anything EVER be ok again when I have this big hole in my heart. I feel sad and angry and guilty and I just have NO IDEA how I'm supposed to deal with this, how I'm supposed to ever move on from this.

I just want my baby. I just want to hold him and love him and feed him. I want to teach him and nurture him and guide him and hope that he becomes a GOOD man, like his father.

Please, someone tell me, how do I take this pain away???

Some things that Ricky has taught me:

I've learned that life comes to us one heartbeat at a time, and that is exactly how we must face it.

I've learned that sometimes there is no answer to the question WHY?

I've learned that being a mother has nothing to do with how many children live in your house.

I've learned that I must be open and face the pain involved with the human condition. I must be more sensitive and supportive when those around me are in pain.

I've learned that I should never take for granted the wonderful gift that God gave to me the first day that my life and Erik's crossed paths.

Ok, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about me. I really really LOVE hard rock/heavy metal music. I don't look like it so much on the outside, but on the inside there is part of me who is tattooed and likes to wear black t-shirts that say OZZY RULES. I'm actually a fan of just about every kind of music ever written, but sometimes there is just nothing better than that sound of electric guitars going crazy and that heavy beat that just permeates through your whole body. So Erik and I went out for a drive to get some Greek food tonight, and AC/DC's Thunderstruck was playing on the stereo. I cranked it up about as loud as it could get. I felt SO FREE!! For the first time in three weeks..... FREEDOM, like a bird soaring through the air. I forgot what that felt like, to displace my grief, even if only temporarily, just felt really good.

Overall it hasn't been a bad day today. I find that confronting myself with my grief is actually helping. Like today, for instance, I looked at the pictures of Ricky and I looked through the baby book that I had started for him. It HURTS to do that, but it also hurts not to. I've decided that it's the only way I can deal with it all. I have to confront myself with it sometimes, and hide from it at other times. I feel like, as soon as I can find the balance between those two that things will really start to get better.

Every time I think "OH, I'm doing well!" I come crashing back down to earth in tiny broken pieces.

I went to the hospital this morning for blood tests. Getting blood from me isn't easy. Apparently I have thin blood vessels??? Anyway, I always tell them beforehand that it's difficult and they always act like 'yeah right, that's what everyone says.' Then they have to stick more than once because the first one never works, or only works for about half of a vile of blood.

Back to the crashing...
After the blood tests I went to the grocery store. Now, during my whole pregnancy I craved peaches. Nice, juicy, fresh peaches. Unfortunately they weren't in season and I never got to enjoy a peach while pregnant. So I walk into the grocery store, I see a tray of apples (that look a bit like peaches from a distance) and I started crying because I thought "Poor little Ricky really wanted to have a peach and never got one." I was able to pull myself together and continue with the shopping. I did alright for the next 10 minutes, until I was on the other side of the store, although I was still feeling quite sad and emotional. Of course, it couldn't be ANY other way, a very pregnant and glowing woman walked right by me. I burst into tears.... Literally. I'm sure she thought that I was a total nut case, she kind of just walked very quickly past me and then Erik was there behind me, whispering in my ear that it was ok and picking up all of the pieces of me so that we can start gluing them all back together again.

It's amazing, the things our minds can envision that we've never seen, the things are hearts can miss that we've never experienced.

I've been thinking a lot about my son this weekend. Who he would have been, what he would have become. The things we would have done together. The things I could have taught him, and the things that he would have taught me. There will never be a human being on this earth who will become what he would have become. Even if a dozen children fill this house with their footsteps in the time to come, there will never be another Ricky.

The uniqueness of him, those small little nuances in his character, those little things that would have set him apart in the world, those things that I will never know are the things that make my heart ache for him.

I just read this poem, and thought that it was really beautiful. I hope that, if ever I do have a living child, I can be this kind of mother.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

So the answer to that question that keeps ringing in my head, WHY WHY WHY???? Well, there is no answer. Ricky was perfect and beautiful and I'm glad about that. They also can't find any problems with me, although they do want to do a big blood work up. My dr. basically said he doesn't expect to see anything new from the tests that I will have done on Monday, but he wants to do them all anyway, just in case. They did see signs of infection in the uterus, which could be what made my water break, but he said that the infection is possibly not the cause of my water breaking, but the effect of it. My Dr. was leaning more towards the infection came after my water breaking and not before, because he said it wasn't a bad infection, but only the beginning of an infection. Ok, so I really don't know anything more than I did before. It's a dark, dark day for me. I just wish I could stop the world from turning and make the sun go out. I just want my son back..... I just want this all to have never happened...... WHY?!?!?

Ok, so my OB appt. is in an hour and a half.... I have to be there in 20 minutes to take blood so those tests are ready by the time of my appt. I'm feeling really guilty right now. This is why. Part of me is really hoping that something was wrong with Ricky and not that something is wrong with me. It's horrible feeling this way. I mean, he's my SON and I want him to be perfect, but if something is wrong with me then it could mean that I will never be a mother. I'm just really afraid of the results! There is NOTHING that they can tell me that will be a 'good' thing! I feel like a horrible mother because part of me is hoping that something was wrong with him. I just feel like then maybe I can accept that it happened. If they tell me he was perfect and nothing was wrong with him....... I just don't know how I'll be able to live with that.

So yesterday didn't end up being a fabulous day, but it did end up being an ok day. I guess my definition of a 'good day' or 'bad day' have dramatically changed in the last two and a half weeks.

My hubby did come home early, that was nice, and we did go out shopping and to out to dinner, that was the not so nice. The shopping just felt empty, and there were WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many pregnant women walking around (as always seems to be the case.) Sometimes I think that I am pushing myself too hard to try and be back out in the world, but I guess if I just lock myself in my house and don't go out that it will do me no good at all. I HAVE to go out sometimes and if I don't subject myself to all of those pregnant women out there NOW then it will be 3 months from now, or 6 months from now, and I think it would be just as painful. I may as well start dealing with that part sooner rather than later.

Going out to dinner was quite nice though. We went early and we were pretty much the only people there. Once I almost burst into tears, but Erik grabbed my hand and squeezed it and distracted me with a different conversation.

So far, today is alright. I think I'll just stay home today and not bother with the world outside. As important as I think it is to try and go out sometimes, I also think it's important to just be here with myself sometimes. Those days that I stay here alone don't always turn out to be the best of days, but they do turn out to be the days when I feel like I'm able to release some of this grief.

Tomorrow is my appt. with my OB. I get my test results back.... I recieve the pictures that they took of my son. I'm scared and nervous and in one way I just want to run and hide. I'm so AFRAID of the truth, whatever that might be. I'm more afraid that there will be NO answers though and feel like if I have some answers then maybe, just maybe it might help.

I'm back in my favorite old comfy Levi's again. I thought I would be really sad about it, but it actually makes me feel normal, and comfortable, and a bit like my own self again. Now I keep singing in my head ~I'm back in my Levi's again~ to the tune of "I'm back in the saddle again." I don't know where THAT song came from, but I guess it's true.... you can take the girl out of West Virginia.... well, you all know the rest.

Today, I thought it was going to be a terrible day, just a repeat of yesterday. Then a friend called me, then my parents called, then I got a really nice email from a friend, and then my husband called and said he was coming home early and wanted to take me out for a late lunch, and somehow it all made me feel much more positive about today. Today I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY, my mind is already set! Isn't it amazing the effect that simple acts of kindness can have???

I'm just having a bad day. I got a package of 'baby stuff' that I ordered a few weeks ago, I got a free baby magazine, and I got a big advertisment that everything for baby is 25% off this week. *SIGH* The constant reminders are so painful, and still I can't bear to pack away the few baby things that I have still sitting in my living room.

I would have been a good mother. Maybe I'll still have that chance one day, I don't know, but I would have been a good mother to Ricky. If I'd been given a choice between my life and his, I would have chosen his because I already loved him in a way that I didn't know that I could love.

I thought at this point, two weeks later, that things would maybe start to get a bit easier, but instead things are only harder. Even writing here feels a bit like a chore at the moment, but I know I can't just let it all build up inside, and so far writing is one of the best releases that I've found.... so I'll keep on writing at least until I can get through one day without that constant feeling of tears right behind my eyes just waiting for their chance.

I had a dream last night about a child. It wasn't Ricky in my dream, it was a little girl. She had Erik's smile and my nose. She had brown hair like me and a head full of curls like Erik. Her eyes were hazel like mine, but they had the most amazing blue streaks in them.

She called me mamma, and when she did, it felt like truth.

Just thought that I would post something pleasant... one of the few things in my life at the moment that still makes me smile a bit. The two together are Angie and Lucy. Lucy is the mostly black one. The other picture is of Cassie, the baby of the bunch.

I'm trying so hard not to let myself fall into that deep dark pit of depression and despair, but I feel like the only thing I have to show for all of that fighting is my own bloody hands.

It's so strange, not being pregnant anymore. Sometimes I even forget, until I put on my pre-pregnancy jeans that are just starting to fit me again, or I look in a mirror and that distinctive prego shape isn't looking back at me. I never thought that I would be longing to have that morning sickness feeling all day. I never thought I'd miss all of that gagging and food aversion and craving. I do miss it though... desperatly. Now I'm having food aversions for the things that I craved while pregnant, mostly because everytime I eat one of those things that I enjoyed while pregnant it just makes me SO SAD. I'm doing my best here, not to blame myself, not to let the grief take over my whole life. I'm trying so hard to balance the grief and crying with living. I know I have to keep living, I have to still search out the joy in life, though it seems like it's well hidden these days. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but that feeling of numbness, that feeling that this all REALLY happened to someone else and I was just witness to it, it's starting to go away. It's just feeling all too real to me today and that wave that comes over me, that feeling that someone is just squeezing and squeezing my heart, trying so hard to make it burst, that feeling makes me just want to curl up in my bed, bury my head in the sand, forget that there is such a thing as 'life' going on out there.

The work agency called me this morning to ask if I was available to work or not. I said NOT of course, I just don't feel ready for that at all. I mean, I'm finding that the simple decisions in life are too overwhelming for me at the moment. Things like "what's for dinner?" or "white or wheat bread?" or trying to figure out what my piggies want when they are peeping.... it all just sends me into a complete panic. I guess I should get that under control before I try to work again. It's the third day in a row that someone has called because of something work related, and I just feel like I'm being pressured so much. Maybe working again would be a good distraction, but not yet. When??? I have no idea. My whole world just feels totally upside-down and I don't really know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to cope. Still I find myself here trying to make this huge decision about it all. How long before I work again? Would it be better for me to try soon? I don't know, it's all too much to think about right now.

I feel like I should clarify something from a couple of posts back, when I was talking about the label 'late miscarriage.' I am in no way saying that a miscarriage at ANY stage of pregnancy is ever easy. I guess the thing that bothers me is just the entire word miscarriage?? I don't know. I've just had some people who have said to me "OH it's just a miscarriage, it happens a lot" as if that means I shouldn't have pain and be grieving. That's the part that really bothers me. Anyone who has been reading this who has had a miscarriage, whether early, or late, it was still our babies and we love them no matter how much time we had with them.

This morning was difficult. I don't know, I get this feeling that every Wednesday morning in the immediate future will be difficult. I cried a lot today, but it felt more cleansing and renewing this time somehow. I've found that lately the shower is just the best place to be, I can stay there forever. It just feels good when I can't tell the difference between the tears on my face and the water from the shower.

The evening has been much better. When Erik's home it's always better and safer and more comfy feeling here. He just always knows the right things to say and do.

I'm OK. That's my new mantra.... I'm OK. I think it might even be true. Oh, don't get me wrong, I MISS HIM! I can't help but think about what he would have been like. Would he have had Erik's smile? Curly hair like both of us? What kind of personality would he have had, and what kind of person would he have grown up to become?

I'm nervous about my OB appt. next week. So afraid that they're going to say that something is wrong with me and I'll never be able to carry a child full term. My dr. already told me that the chances of that are very small, but I still worry about what all of the test results will say. I mean, at the moment I'm not exactly ready to try and conceive again, but it's nice that there is still the option in the future. At the moment the only child I want is Ricky.

Yesterday, for about half of the day, I was alright. I didn't cry first thing when I woke up. I didn't feel the need to take the meds that the Dr. gave me (anti-anxiety/ valium type meds) I sat with my husband and we talked about Ricky without overwhelming sadness in my heart. I think I even laughed a few times. Then the whole world just started cracking again.

Today.... well.... today is just horrible. I keep thinking about last monday, when I was still living in blessed ignorance of what was about to happen. Last monday I totally ignored the things that 'should' be done (like cleaning the house and all that) and I spent the whole day doing 'baby' stuff. I turned on the radio instead of the tv because I wanted to sing to my little one. I chatted with other mamma's to be on the net about our hopes and dreams and fears. I searched the internet for the things I wanted to buy and the nursery furniture. I was just so happy and giddy and excited.

I can't believe how quickly everything changes. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I also find myself getting SO angry. I'm not used to being angry, it's just really not in my nature to be angry and it feels uncomfortable, but I just can't help it. When people label what I went through as 'late miscarriage' I just want to rip out their hearts. I don't know how to explain that. I guess I just wish that people understood one thing..... I actually had to go though the process of labour and delivery, and the child that came from my womb, although tiny, was a perfect tiny little human being, with ten fingers and ten toes. I had seen his heart beating on the u/s photos.... I even saw that he had a tiny little brain in there.

Everyone keeps saying that things will get better. Sometimes I actually believe that, sometimes, like yesterday, I actually FELT that way. But now today I'm sitting here and I just can't IMAGINE how things will ever feel better. I miss my son. I want him cuddled safe and sound in my belly again.

You know how, when you wake up in the mornings for the first 30 seconds or so, everything is right with the world? I woke up this morning and I could hear the birds chirping outside and I felt that fabulous peace that comes from finally having a decent nights sleep (although it was drug induced) and the sun was shining through my window, and the sounds of spring were in the air.

Then I felt that sore, hurting feeling in my belly. And then it hit me again that my sweet baby isn't there anymore. Then I just felt angry that the birds could possibly find something to sing about, and that the sun could possibly have a reason to shine.

I know that there will be a morning someday when I can just keep feeling that peaceful feeling, and when I can look at the beauty in the world without having it burn my eyes. I just wish that was now.

I know that this isn't the best way to give this news, especially to those of you who are really close friends to me, but at the moment I just don't know any other way to do it.

On Tuesday morning at 3 am my water broke. I rushed to the hospital, where they did an ultrasound. The baby was still alive with a strong heartbeat, however they told me that the chance of a good outcome was almost 0. On Wednesday morning, April 12 at 2:49am I gave birth to our son, Ricky. I was only 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and he was gone before he ever entered into this world.

Please pray for me, and think of me. I never knew before that this kind of pain that I'm feeling in my heart even existed.

I hope you all understand why I didn't contact you individually, it's just too painful at the moment.

I really should write more here. I'm doing okey with keeping up the baby book, but I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a slacker here.

Last monday (April 3) I had an appt. with my midwife. I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time... SO SWEET!! :) I've seen the heartbeat twice before with the ultrasounds, but it's the first time I've heard it. She said it was strong and steady and everything's good! For some reason I had some problems after she did the doppler though. She had to press pretty hard, and search for awhile before she could find the heartbeat. She was pressing into my bladder and after the appt. I had SO much pain there. It just HURT! Luckily by the next day all was back to normal.

Tomorrow I have to go have a glucose test. I'm SO not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about the test, that's no big deal. However, I am not allowed to eat before I have it and that will be TOUGH. When I wake up in the mornings I'm always SOOOOO hungry, and if I don't eat right away then the morning sickness thing starts. I actually have to keep crackers by my bed so I can eat as soon as I wake up. I was really hoping that would be over with by now, but it's only getting worse. It seems like I might be one of the unlucky ones who have it throughout the pregnancy and not just in the first trimester :( Ahhhhh well. I've adjusted to it a little bit. I just have to carry food and water with me AT ALL TIMES because when I get hungry it gets BAD.

I can't believe that at my next appt. with my midwife (May 1) I will be almost 20 WEEKS!!!! That's HALFWAY!!!! Unbelievable!

Okey, now some Non-baby news:

Erik's getting a company car!!! I'm really excited about it, because we need a new car in a bad way and I was already worrying about it because I just wasn't sure how we could manage to get a new one since I lost my job/baby on the way. Well, kind of out of the blue the company offered him a car if he would move to a different city. Now he works about 10 minutes away, and in May he will be working about 40 minutes away. He's really happy about it. Even though his official office is 10 minutes away now, he RARELY works there. probably about 80% of the time he was working out of town anyway, sometimes at the office 40 minutes away, sometimes at the other offices spread throughout the country. Anyway, we went car shopping this weekend and it was SO MUCH FUN! We were test-driving like crazy. It's just pretty fun to be able to pick out a brand new car. We do have a budget of course, but it's MUCH higher than it would have been if we had been buying a car on our own. We also get a gas card with it!! Yayyyyy!!

I felt my baby for the first time today!!! It was such a beautiful feeling, and totally unexpected because the ultrasound tech said my placenta was on the front and I probably wouldn't feel anything until much later than other women due at the same time as me. Well, it's quite early really, 15 weeks and 1 day today... but there is NO mistaking that feeling!! I thought that I'd felt jellybean earlier, but that was just gas bubbles hehehehe. It's actually a similar feeling, but in very different parts of the body. Today's movement- DEFINATLY in my uterus. I woke up, I said "Good morning baby, how are you this morning?" and then 'flutter, flutter, twist, twist, flutter' So I said "WHOA! What are you doing in there?" and again he responded with a flutter. Everytime he stopped I would just talk again and for about 30 minutes it went on and on. I'm so happy and so excited. So far the pregnancy has been anything but easy. Those sweet little butterfly flutters made it worth all of this horrible sickness that I've had.

Erik's mom passed away last week, and things have just been sad here, you know?? It's so nice to feel this kind of joy, well, I was going to say again, but to be honest, it's the first time I've ever felt THIS kind of joy.

Shopping for maternity clothes here is a nightmare. We went Sat. and I ended up with one pair of TOTALLY overpriced jeans, but at least they are comfy. So far shirts aren't a big problem, as long as I don't have any kind of formal type thing to go to. I imagine it WILL be a problem in the next few months though, and I'm a little bit worried about it. It seems that dutch women just don't grow to bigger than a size 10 or something????? I know that I've always had a hard enough time finding even normal clothes here that fit me. Finding maternity bottoms isn't going to be a problem I don't think, but the TOPS?????? UH OH!!! I have NO idea where I can find those here. I was already well-endowed BEFORE pregnancy and NOW... well NOW it's just ridiculous and getting more and more ridiculous every day!!! I just have this nightmarish feeling that in about 3 months I'm going to be walking around in a tent everywhere I go!!

Today's the first time I've looked in the mirror and REALLY seen a pregnant woman looking back at me. Until now I've just felt like my stomache was getting a little bit fatter, but for some reason today..... WHOA!! I'm PREGGERS!!! Hehehehe Maybe it's time for some maternity clothes because I've only got about two pairs of pants left that still fit comfortably :)

Wow, what a rough weekend it's been.

On Friday night I had some bleeding. It stopped fairly quickly, and my midwife said that it sounded like it was just a burst blood vessel, and not a big deal, happens to a lot of pregnant women. Then again on Saturday, more bleeding, this time quite heavy and bad. I was scared out of my mind. The midwife said as long as it didn't continue on for very long, to try and not worry, try to relax and take it easy the rest of the weekend, and she would schedule an appt. with OB/GYN at the hospital on Monday for tests to be done to see what was going on.

Okey, so I did my best not to stress out (yeah, right) and today went to the OB/GYN for an investigation. They did another ultrasound, and an internal exam and said YAYYYYYY everything looks just fine!! They couldn't find any reason for the bleeding and said that they were fairly sure that I had a few burst vessels and that it is sometimes just more common in some women than others and I should let them know if there is more bleeding.

Okey, so it ends up that today's exams just brought a little peace of mind and a new picture of my little jellybean :) Oh yeah, and it seems that the baby's growth has caught up a little bit with the original due date. First it was Sept. 20, then Sept. 25 and now Sept. 21... pffffffffffft. I'm just gonna say Sept. 21 because it matches up the best with my own dates. I don't know many ppl who were actually born on their due date anyways... I was almost 6 weeks early.

Here's the new u/s photo!

Yesterday we went for an ultrasound. It was a little disappointing because the midwife couldn't get a clear picture and thought that the baby was a bit small for 11 weeks, but did see a clear heartbeat and movement. Anyway, she made us an appointment in the hospital for this morning to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. The baby was moving around so much, and waving his/her arms around and kicking. My husband just sat there laughing, it was beautiful. Anyway, my due date is pushed back a few days now. It was Sept. 20, now it's Sept. 25. Here are the scans for you all to enjoy :)

I've been so down the past few days. I didn't really expect this I guess... I mean, it makes sense with all of the hormone stuff going on I guess. Also it's just been such a stressful week. I lost my job and my mother in law is really sick and in the hospital. I feel like a big whiner, but I just can't help it. I've been sitting here all day just crying and crying and there's just so much to do and I have absolutely no energy to do anything. Everyone keeps saying that things will be better in a few weeks. I hope so. I'm happy about this baby... REALLY happy about it, still I can't seem to dig myself out of this black hole that I'm in.

It will get better, right????

Some information that I just want to write down. I've been writing on paper, planning to get a nice journal, but I just haven't had the chance to yet.

On Jan. 31, 2006 we took the home pregnancy test, which was positive. Two days later, Feb. 2, 2006 we went to the Dr. and got confirmation from him.

It's hard to believe that I've known this for less than two weeks because it seems like my whole world has changed, or at least the whole focus of my world. Even with all of the morning sickness, which has been horrible.... I am SO IN LOVE already. Just the idea that there is this tiny living thing growing inside of me..... I am overcome. I know that there are 6 billion people on this planet, and every one of them has a mother, so it's not really a unique situation I find myself in, but somehow it feels like I am the only person who has ever felt this way in the entire history of the earth.