I just had two entire days without this crushing feeling around my heart. Without the constant tears behind my eyes. Two entire days of happiness and lightheartedness. Of course today is not yesterday or the day before. Today the pain is back and that's ok. At least now I can remember what it's like to have two days without it.

My husband is away until friday on a business trip. I haven't done a thing today. The coffee table is covered in the plates, bowls and glasses that I've used throughout the day, and to be honest I just don't care. Yes, I am a slob. Tomorrow I'll start living again, but for now, for today, I'm still in my pj's, I haven't showered and I spent the entire day curled up on the couch watching TV. I will get to the shower thing sometime today because I'm starting to feel kinda just.... ewwwwww. Then I'll change to new pj's and spend the rest of the evening watching more TV. Then tomorrow I'll get up again, I'll clean this place up, I'll search for a job, I'll go to the gym. I'll do all of those things that I know that I need to do in order to keep this life of mine moving forward.

You know, the last time my husband was away for a week on this same business trip, I spent that monday doing almost the same thing. Well, the same, but so very different. I spent that day on the internet all day, searching for baby things, making plans for the nursery and the future. I ignored the domestic things and spent the day singing to my baby. I fell asleep with a baby name book still in my hands, my glasses still on my face. A few hours later I woke up with amniotic fluid flowing down my legs and the baby name book still in my hands. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, praying for a miracle, praying for God to take me instead, praying that my husband would arrive safe, but soon.

When did living become so difficult and will it ever be easy again?

I feel like I've been a lousy friend of late. I feel pretty horrible about it, especially because so many of you have been such good friends to me. Please know that I really do care and if you need something please just ask me.

I am having problems offering emotional support to other people because my own emotions are still all over the place. I'm not trying to make excuses here, I am just offering an explanation.

Please just know that I'm trying. I'm trying to be a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister... I'm trying. I don't always succeed though. It's hard to be all of those things when I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I'm not even always clear on what I myself believe, think and feel and I always feel like my advice to other people just isn't good enough.

It sounds like I'm making excuses, I know it does. *SIGH* I feel like it's all about me, all the time lately. I hate that. I know that you all have problems and sadness and struggles too. I am in no way trying to belittle those things.

If I've hurt you in any way.... if I have failed to give you the support that you would like to have from me.... please forgive me.... please be patient with me.

I really should post here more often. I have a million different thoughts, ideas, and questions floating through my head and yet I feel so scattered. It's like it is impossible for me to grasp even one of those thoughts long enough to write something about it. Focus and concentration are still hard to come by and yet my mind finds it difficult to be still. It keeps me awake at night sometimes, this whirlwind in my head. Maybe that's why the working out thing brings such a relief to me. When I'm on the bike or the treadmill or the rowing machine, when I'm lifting weights or doing circuit training, I am able to focus on the task at hand. With everything else..... Pffffffffffft.

I'm still doing quite well overall. I've come a long way in this process, especially over the last month and yet the sadness still engulfs me. My heart is still shattered and the tears still well up at the most inopportune times. No, the sadness isn't gone. It isn't even any less than it was. It still hurts just the same as it did in the moment that I realized I would never see my son smile. It still hurts the same as it did at his birth, when the only cries I heard were my own.

No, the sadness is not gone, and yet somehow I am doing better. I guess it's not about taking the heartache away, but about finding ways to live with it.

Well, you all may not believe this, but do you know how I've been feeling since the day after my last post?? FANTASTIC! Really... amazingly... I feel GREAT! I'm still sad, I still miss my beautiful little boy, but it's different now. Finally I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I look in the mirror and I see that spark of life in my eyes again instead of just two dark pools of suffering. I feel my optimistic nature returning in abundance. I feel hopeful and peaceful and yes, even happy!

When my husband and I decided to put off on TTC for awhile I thought that I was just going to sink into depression even more, but quite the opposite has happened. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Yes, I still long for children of my own but it doesn't have to be right this minute. I've still got a few years, God willing, to make that happen. I know already that I won't be able to have a 'normal pregnancy.' I will have to have a clercage, which carries its own set of worries, concerns, and potential challenges. Since I know this already I feel like the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to get my body in the best shape that I possibly can in order to try and prevent some of the difficulties that could arise. For instance, sometimes women with cervical stitches are put on bedrest. Well, in my current physical condition that would be devastating to me. I mean, I am not at all fit.... too many years of sickness, laziness, and chocolate. I want to be fit! I want to KNOW without a doubt that my body is physically healthy so that in the future I can provide a safe and healthy environment for life to form once again.

I've already made some great changes within myself in that regard. The food I eat now compared to even a month ago is MUCH better. My husband and I have joined a gym and not only did we join, but we're also GOING. It makes me feel strong and proud of myself to go. It makes me feel closer to Erik because we are each other's best cheerleaders. Together we can achieve anything. Then there's that feeling after a really hard work-out. I don't always like it while I'm doing it, but afterwards it's amazing. After a hard workout I feel like I've just taken the most amazing 'feel good' drug ever discovered. I think I knew that at one time in my life, but I kind of forgot about it.

Anyway, the entire point of this post is: I FEEL GREAT! I am really doing so wonderfully for the first time since my little Ricky fell asleep to this world.

A dear friend of mine kept saying "Let go and let God" and to be honest I kept thinking, yes, but I have to DO something. Yes, but I have to fix it all. Yes, but I don't WANT to let go! Then, for some reason, I had no "yes, but's" left and I finally just DID it. Thanks, JC for saying it until I was ready to hear it. Thank you.