Well, I took a big step today. I finally went to my family dr. to talk to him about all of this stuff. I haven't been dealing very well lately. I'm angry, I'm scattered, I'm sad, I can't focus, I always feel like I'm an inch away from being in a complete panic.

So the first challenge at my Dr's office was that the waiting room was just FILLED with children, babies, and pregnant women! Usually when I go there the waiting room is filled with older people. NO NO, NOT today! *I* was going there today, so today HAD to be the day that every child in the world had a sniffle. (Well, at least that's how it felt.) A little girl, probably about 4 years old actually said to her mom, "Mama... it's so sad, she misses her baby," and then pointed to me! Children really must see a world that we do not.. it's strange isn't it?

Anyway, by the time I made it to his office I was a TOTAL wreck. I was shaking and I had that stinging feeling of tears right behind my eyes. I probably looked like I was having a nervous breakdown, and who knows, maybe I was.

We talked for awhile and I told him how I was feeling. He suggested that I should go to see a psychologist, and probably that is the best thing for me to do. There is a 6 week waiting list to get into the psychologist, but with one phone call my Dr. was able to get me an appointment for Monday morning. He was worried that if I didn't have an outlet soon that I would slip into a much more severe depression and thought that my situation could be classified as an 'emergency' situation.

I feel relieved to be going really. I have to admit though, I'm pretty terrified at the same time. I guess I just don't like to thought of opening up, face to face, with a complete stranger. Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the 'stranger' part. Maybe I'm afraid of totally opening up because I'm afraid of what I'll find there. Afraid of the things that I may actually be trying to hide from myself. Knowledge is always power though, even when we learn things that we'd rather not know. I've always been the kind of person who would rather know that not know in all situations, so maybe there are some things inside of me that I really do need to get out in the open.

I've written here so many times recently and, after re-reading, decided not to post.

I'm just... I don't know... I DON'T KNOW! The anger and sadness is ripping me apart. I'm starting to feel bi-polar or something. Extreme highs and extreme lows, and everything in the middle.

I just MISS him. My heart breaks every day and I just want my sweet baby here with me.

I was doing so well. I'd found hope and peace again. I was living again. I don't know when or why or how it happened, but in the last few days all of that has just blown away. How do I find it again??

It seems that my REALLY good days are almost always followed by REALLY bad days. I'm content with the days that are just days, neither really happy or really sad.

I've had a few bad days this week. Those days when getting out of bed feels like such an effort. Those days when I physically feel like my heart is breaking. No matter how well life is going there are still times when I just have to open up the memory box that I have for Ricky and cry. He was such a tiny little thing and SO beautiful. I still can't belive that something so pure and so beautiful came from me. Ok, I'm going to stop talking about this stuff for now because I'm only making myself cry. So far today has been an ok day and I want to keep it that way. On to other things.......


I have World Cup Fever! It's strange really, but I have been watching 3 soccer games a day (well, 2 of them I KINDA watch while I'm busy with other things, and the latest game I always watch with Erik in the evening.) Tonight Holland plays again and I am SOOOOOOOO excited about it. When they play it's fantastic. During the game there is NO ONE on the streets, and I do mean NO ONE! There is a park across the street from my house and it's always busy there, especially in the summer. NOT when Oranje is playing! I'm always amazed at how many people actually watch the games.

For some reason I finally understand why men (in general) like to watch sports so much. I mean, I don't get it with EVERY sport, but I'm starting to feel obsessed with soccer and I'm already feeling sad that the World Cup lasts only 3 weeks more. I always saw soccer as a bunch of guys kicking around a ball (that must be the American woman in me, I dunno.) Now I'm enthralled by it! Now I sit here yelling at the ref, "NO NO that WASN'T off-sides!!! Are you BLIND???" hahahaha Ahhhh well, it's a good way to release my frustrations I guess!

I guess that's all I have to say at the moment. I'm sure there will be an update this evening after Nederland WINS! (oh please oh please oh PLEASE WIN!)

I had my OB appointment today and got all of my test results back. Everything was negative YAYYYYY!!! That's a good thing and means that I shouldn't have a big problem carrying a baby to term in the future. The official diagnosis is incompetent cervix. That's not really great news, but the best news that I can expect. If I am ever pregnant again then I will probably have to have a stitch placed in my cervix and will have to see my OB on a weekly basis throughout the pregnancy. I can deal with that.

I had an extraordinarily good weekend. On Saturday we went to the BurgersZoo in Arnhem. We had a great time and I have a healthy sun-kissed glow after spending the day out in the sun. I love it that we have been so active in the last month. We've really been getting the most out of our weekends and it feels great. It's always pretty spontaneous too, which I love. Neither of us are really great at planning things in advance. It's been fun waking up on Saturday mornings and saying "Where are we going?" and then we just GO!

Yesterday a friend came over for a visit and we all watched Formula 1 racing followed by World Cup soccer. HUP HOLLAND HUP!!!! The Netherlands won, 1-0!! I'm looking forward to watching the US team tonight! It's nice having two teams to cheer on :)

I have a great life. Yes, it has it's grief and it has it's sadness but it also has so much joy and so much love. I'm feeling happy and so very optimistic about the future.

I'm regaining that sense of pride that I lost long ago. I came to this realization that I have not been taking my responsibilities very seriously for a long time now. Well, it's time to start being responsible to myself. I really do want to be a mother, and I want to be a mother SOON, but maybe taking a look at me and concentrating on ME for awhile isn't such a bad idea. Having children is an ENORMOUS responsibility and I would hate to think that I wouldn't take that responsibility as seriously as I should. As far as TTC.... I'm not doing anything to PREVENT it, but I also don't want to become totally obsessed about it just yet. I guess I'm using the wait and see approach. I have been charting and all of that, and I will continue to do so. Charting brings me more in touch with my own body and more aware of what is 'normal' for me.

I have started taking the responsibility of my own body/exercise/food intake seriously for the first time in my life really. No crash dieting going on here, I feel like it's just unhealthy and unreasonable. My first goal is to make myself stronger. I'm tired of feeling weak and un-energetic. I'm tired of being a couch potato. I've been doing SO well this week and I'm extremely proud of myself! I have SO much more energy! I'm actually starting to feel like ME again, and let me tell you, the loss of ME hasn't just been since losing Ricky. That's just been building and building for a very long time.

My optimism just keeps rising and that's definitely a nice thing to have again. Looking at life from the 'glass half empty' perspective really doesn't suit me and it's definitely how I've seen the world most of the time since losing Ricky. I'm enjoying this feeling of hope and rejuvenation. I don't have that EVERY day, yesterday for instance, I was just mad at the world/universe/God/my husband/myself. I guess it's alright to feel that way sometimes, otherwise the anger just builds up until I explode. Today is a new day, and today I don't feel that way anymore.

I have been feeling really frustrated lately because of my weight. Don't get me wrong, I think that I am a beautiful woman both inside and out. The outside, however, could use a little help. I was already overweight before my pregnancy and since losing Ricky I've REALLY been hitting the comfort food in a bad way. Well..... I'm SICK of it! I would really like to TTC again but feel like I need to make some positive changes in my lifestyle first. If I am ever pregnant again I really want to be more healthy so that I can give a future (I hope) baby the most healthy start possible.

I recently joined a site that promotes healthy lifestyle changes at http://www.sparkpeople.com So far I just LOVE it. Goals are set in baby steps and don't feel overwhelming to me. It's helping me a lot, not only with weight-control, but also with day to day life. It feels good to be setting goals again. It makes me feel like I'm in control of SOMETHING in my life when everything else has just been feeling so out of control.

I really hit a bit of a low-point at the end of last week, but since then things have defiantly been looking up. Oh... I'm still grieving, but there are beginning to be more good moments than bad moments. The bad moments are still REALLY bad, and really difficult, and really painful, but those times have turned into moments of the day and not entire days anymore. I've actually gone a full 24 hours and sometimes more without crying.

My heart is filled with so much love and so much bittersweet joy when I think about my darling boy. Having 17 weeks with him, feeling that love that exists only between a mother and her child, it is a blessing and a gift. Oh I miss him. I really do. I wish that he could be physically here with me for a lifetime, and not just 17 weeks. It's just not the way it is though. I've accepted that and I'm dealing with that. The time that I DID have with him.... those 17 weeks... every second of that time is precious to me and I'm so glad that I had the honor of providing a warm and loving environment for him during his short time here on earth.

So far it's just been one of those challenging days. I knew already it would be a rough day emotionally. I would have been 24 weeks pregnant today and 24 weeks is the age of viability. If I had made it this far in my pregnancy my son would have had at least a chance of survival. Oh how I ache to have him still safely tucked inside of me.

So I was having an emotionally difficult morning already. At 10:50am I still hadn't managed to get out of bed and showered and dressed when my doorbell rang. At my door was the 'stadswacht' or the 'city watch' to translate it literally. I was immediately confronted with a very rude and angry woman who informed me that it was illegal to dump garbage into public parks and if I didn't clean up my mess before next Wednesday that I would have to go to court. Well I am NOT the one who dumped trash from my garden in the park across the street and I told her that. She got up in my face, yelling, saying that she had already CONFIRMED that I had dumped the trash there and I had to clean it up ASAP. I'm not doing too well lately controlling my emotions and my blood started to boil. I'm ashamed to say that I got in a bit of a shouting match with her right in my front yard. Now, my normal reaction to such a thing would never have been to get so angry. I'm not really an angry person. I'm almost always able to react to people with dignity and respect, even if I feel that they are rude and don't necessarily deserve it. Today wasn't one of those days though. I guess she just ASSUMED that it was from our front yard since we recently re-landscaped it. Regardless, I am totally ashamed and embarrassed by my reaction to her.

Now I'm having a problem letting that angry feeling go. Now I'm just feeling bitter and upset and in a terribly bad mood. I feel like throwing things! I feel like lashing out at the world. Maybe it's not such a bad idea if I stay in today.