It's amazing, the things our minds can envision that we've never seen, the things are hearts can miss that we've never experienced.

I've been thinking a lot about my son this weekend. Who he would have been, what he would have become. The things we would have done together. The things I could have taught him, and the things that he would have taught me. There will never be a human being on this earth who will become what he would have become. Even if a dozen children fill this house with their footsteps in the time to come, there will never be another Ricky.

The uniqueness of him, those small little nuances in his character, those little things that would have set him apart in the world, those things that I will never know are the things that make my heart ache for him.

I just read this poem, and thought that it was really beautiful. I hope that, if ever I do have a living child, I can be this kind of mother.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

So the answer to that question that keeps ringing in my head, WHY WHY WHY???? Well, there is no answer. Ricky was perfect and beautiful and I'm glad about that. They also can't find any problems with me, although they do want to do a big blood work up. My dr. basically said he doesn't expect to see anything new from the tests that I will have done on Monday, but he wants to do them all anyway, just in case. They did see signs of infection in the uterus, which could be what made my water break, but he said that the infection is possibly not the cause of my water breaking, but the effect of it. My Dr. was leaning more towards the infection came after my water breaking and not before, because he said it wasn't a bad infection, but only the beginning of an infection. Ok, so I really don't know anything more than I did before. It's a dark, dark day for me. I just wish I could stop the world from turning and make the sun go out. I just want my son back..... I just want this all to have never happened...... WHY?!?!?

Ok, so my OB appt. is in an hour and a half.... I have to be there in 20 minutes to take blood so those tests are ready by the time of my appt. I'm feeling really guilty right now. This is why. Part of me is really hoping that something was wrong with Ricky and not that something is wrong with me. It's horrible feeling this way. I mean, he's my SON and I want him to be perfect, but if something is wrong with me then it could mean that I will never be a mother. I'm just really afraid of the results! There is NOTHING that they can tell me that will be a 'good' thing! I feel like a horrible mother because part of me is hoping that something was wrong with him. I just feel like then maybe I can accept that it happened. If they tell me he was perfect and nothing was wrong with him....... I just don't know how I'll be able to live with that.

So yesterday didn't end up being a fabulous day, but it did end up being an ok day. I guess my definition of a 'good day' or 'bad day' have dramatically changed in the last two and a half weeks.

My hubby did come home early, that was nice, and we did go out shopping and to out to dinner, that was the not so nice. The shopping just felt empty, and there were WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many pregnant women walking around (as always seems to be the case.) Sometimes I think that I am pushing myself too hard to try and be back out in the world, but I guess if I just lock myself in my house and don't go out that it will do me no good at all. I HAVE to go out sometimes and if I don't subject myself to all of those pregnant women out there NOW then it will be 3 months from now, or 6 months from now, and I think it would be just as painful. I may as well start dealing with that part sooner rather than later.

Going out to dinner was quite nice though. We went early and we were pretty much the only people there. Once I almost burst into tears, but Erik grabbed my hand and squeezed it and distracted me with a different conversation.

So far, today is alright. I think I'll just stay home today and not bother with the world outside. As important as I think it is to try and go out sometimes, I also think it's important to just be here with myself sometimes. Those days that I stay here alone don't always turn out to be the best of days, but they do turn out to be the days when I feel like I'm able to release some of this grief.

Tomorrow is my appt. with my OB. I get my test results back.... I recieve the pictures that they took of my son. I'm scared and nervous and in one way I just want to run and hide. I'm so AFRAID of the truth, whatever that might be. I'm more afraid that there will be NO answers though and feel like if I have some answers then maybe, just maybe it might help.

I'm back in my favorite old comfy Levi's again. I thought I would be really sad about it, but it actually makes me feel normal, and comfortable, and a bit like my own self again. Now I keep singing in my head ~I'm back in my Levi's again~ to the tune of "I'm back in the saddle again." I don't know where THAT song came from, but I guess it's true.... you can take the girl out of West Virginia.... well, you all know the rest.

Today, I thought it was going to be a terrible day, just a repeat of yesterday. Then a friend called me, then my parents called, then I got a really nice email from a friend, and then my husband called and said he was coming home early and wanted to take me out for a late lunch, and somehow it all made me feel much more positive about today. Today I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY, my mind is already set! Isn't it amazing the effect that simple acts of kindness can have???

I'm just having a bad day. I got a package of 'baby stuff' that I ordered a few weeks ago, I got a free baby magazine, and I got a big advertisment that everything for baby is 25% off this week. *SIGH* The constant reminders are so painful, and still I can't bear to pack away the few baby things that I have still sitting in my living room.

I would have been a good mother. Maybe I'll still have that chance one day, I don't know, but I would have been a good mother to Ricky. If I'd been given a choice between my life and his, I would have chosen his because I already loved him in a way that I didn't know that I could love.

I thought at this point, two weeks later, that things would maybe start to get a bit easier, but instead things are only harder. Even writing here feels a bit like a chore at the moment, but I know I can't just let it all build up inside, and so far writing is one of the best releases that I've found.... so I'll keep on writing at least until I can get through one day without that constant feeling of tears right behind my eyes just waiting for their chance.

I had a dream last night about a child. It wasn't Ricky in my dream, it was a little girl. She had Erik's smile and my nose. She had brown hair like me and a head full of curls like Erik. Her eyes were hazel like mine, but they had the most amazing blue streaks in them.

She called me mamma, and when she did, it felt like truth.

Just thought that I would post something pleasant... one of the few things in my life at the moment that still makes me smile a bit. The two together are Angie and Lucy. Lucy is the mostly black one. The other picture is of Cassie, the baby of the bunch.

I'm trying so hard not to let myself fall into that deep dark pit of depression and despair, but I feel like the only thing I have to show for all of that fighting is my own bloody hands.

It's so strange, not being pregnant anymore. Sometimes I even forget, until I put on my pre-pregnancy jeans that are just starting to fit me again, or I look in a mirror and that distinctive prego shape isn't looking back at me. I never thought that I would be longing to have that morning sickness feeling all day. I never thought I'd miss all of that gagging and food aversion and craving. I do miss it though... desperatly. Now I'm having food aversions for the things that I craved while pregnant, mostly because everytime I eat one of those things that I enjoyed while pregnant it just makes me SO SAD. I'm doing my best here, not to blame myself, not to let the grief take over my whole life. I'm trying so hard to balance the grief and crying with living. I know I have to keep living, I have to still search out the joy in life, though it seems like it's well hidden these days. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but that feeling of numbness, that feeling that this all REALLY happened to someone else and I was just witness to it, it's starting to go away. It's just feeling all too real to me today and that wave that comes over me, that feeling that someone is just squeezing and squeezing my heart, trying so hard to make it burst, that feeling makes me just want to curl up in my bed, bury my head in the sand, forget that there is such a thing as 'life' going on out there.

The work agency called me this morning to ask if I was available to work or not. I said NOT of course, I just don't feel ready for that at all. I mean, I'm finding that the simple decisions in life are too overwhelming for me at the moment. Things like "what's for dinner?" or "white or wheat bread?" or trying to figure out what my piggies want when they are peeping.... it all just sends me into a complete panic. I guess I should get that under control before I try to work again. It's the third day in a row that someone has called because of something work related, and I just feel like I'm being pressured so much. Maybe working again would be a good distraction, but not yet. When??? I have no idea. My whole world just feels totally upside-down and I don't really know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel and how I'm going to cope. Still I find myself here trying to make this huge decision about it all. How long before I work again? Would it be better for me to try soon? I don't know, it's all too much to think about right now.

I feel like I should clarify something from a couple of posts back, when I was talking about the label 'late miscarriage.' I am in no way saying that a miscarriage at ANY stage of pregnancy is ever easy. I guess the thing that bothers me is just the entire word miscarriage?? I don't know. I've just had some people who have said to me "OH it's just a miscarriage, it happens a lot" as if that means I shouldn't have pain and be grieving. That's the part that really bothers me. Anyone who has been reading this who has had a miscarriage, whether early, or late, it was still our babies and we love them no matter how much time we had with them.

This morning was difficult. I don't know, I get this feeling that every Wednesday morning in the immediate future will be difficult. I cried a lot today, but it felt more cleansing and renewing this time somehow. I've found that lately the shower is just the best place to be, I can stay there forever. It just feels good when I can't tell the difference between the tears on my face and the water from the shower.

The evening has been much better. When Erik's home it's always better and safer and more comfy feeling here. He just always knows the right things to say and do.

I'm OK. That's my new mantra.... I'm OK. I think it might even be true. Oh, don't get me wrong, I MISS HIM! I can't help but think about what he would have been like. Would he have had Erik's smile? Curly hair like both of us? What kind of personality would he have had, and what kind of person would he have grown up to become?

I'm nervous about my OB appt. next week. So afraid that they're going to say that something is wrong with me and I'll never be able to carry a child full term. My dr. already told me that the chances of that are very small, but I still worry about what all of the test results will say. I mean, at the moment I'm not exactly ready to try and conceive again, but it's nice that there is still the option in the future. At the moment the only child I want is Ricky.

Yesterday, for about half of the day, I was alright. I didn't cry first thing when I woke up. I didn't feel the need to take the meds that the Dr. gave me (anti-anxiety/ valium type meds) I sat with my husband and we talked about Ricky without overwhelming sadness in my heart. I think I even laughed a few times. Then the whole world just started cracking again.

Today.... well.... today is just horrible. I keep thinking about last monday, when I was still living in blessed ignorance of what was about to happen. Last monday I totally ignored the things that 'should' be done (like cleaning the house and all that) and I spent the whole day doing 'baby' stuff. I turned on the radio instead of the tv because I wanted to sing to my little one. I chatted with other mamma's to be on the net about our hopes and dreams and fears. I searched the internet for the things I wanted to buy and the nursery furniture. I was just so happy and giddy and excited.

I can't believe how quickly everything changes. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I also find myself getting SO angry. I'm not used to being angry, it's just really not in my nature to be angry and it feels uncomfortable, but I just can't help it. When people label what I went through as 'late miscarriage' I just want to rip out their hearts. I don't know how to explain that. I guess I just wish that people understood one thing..... I actually had to go though the process of labour and delivery, and the child that came from my womb, although tiny, was a perfect tiny little human being, with ten fingers and ten toes. I had seen his heart beating on the u/s photos.... I even saw that he had a tiny little brain in there.

Everyone keeps saying that things will get better. Sometimes I actually believe that, sometimes, like yesterday, I actually FELT that way. But now today I'm sitting here and I just can't IMAGINE how things will ever feel better. I miss my son. I want him cuddled safe and sound in my belly again.

You know how, when you wake up in the mornings for the first 30 seconds or so, everything is right with the world? I woke up this morning and I could hear the birds chirping outside and I felt that fabulous peace that comes from finally having a decent nights sleep (although it was drug induced) and the sun was shining through my window, and the sounds of spring were in the air.

Then I felt that sore, hurting feeling in my belly. And then it hit me again that my sweet baby isn't there anymore. Then I just felt angry that the birds could possibly find something to sing about, and that the sun could possibly have a reason to shine.

I know that there will be a morning someday when I can just keep feeling that peaceful feeling, and when I can look at the beauty in the world without having it burn my eyes. I just wish that was now.

I know that this isn't the best way to give this news, especially to those of you who are really close friends to me, but at the moment I just don't know any other way to do it.

On Tuesday morning at 3 am my water broke. I rushed to the hospital, where they did an ultrasound. The baby was still alive with a strong heartbeat, however they told me that the chance of a good outcome was almost 0. On Wednesday morning, April 12 at 2:49am I gave birth to our son, Ricky. I was only 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and he was gone before he ever entered into this world.

Please pray for me, and think of me. I never knew before that this kind of pain that I'm feeling in my heart even existed.

I hope you all understand why I didn't contact you individually, it's just too painful at the moment.

I really should write more here. I'm doing okey with keeping up the baby book, but I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a slacker here.

Last monday (April 3) I had an appt. with my midwife. I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time... SO SWEET!! :) I've seen the heartbeat twice before with the ultrasounds, but it's the first time I've heard it. She said it was strong and steady and everything's good! For some reason I had some problems after she did the doppler though. She had to press pretty hard, and search for awhile before she could find the heartbeat. She was pressing into my bladder and after the appt. I had SO much pain there. It just HURT! Luckily by the next day all was back to normal.

Tomorrow I have to go have a glucose test. I'm SO not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about the test, that's no big deal. However, I am not allowed to eat before I have it and that will be TOUGH. When I wake up in the mornings I'm always SOOOOO hungry, and if I don't eat right away then the morning sickness thing starts. I actually have to keep crackers by my bed so I can eat as soon as I wake up. I was really hoping that would be over with by now, but it's only getting worse. It seems like I might be one of the unlucky ones who have it throughout the pregnancy and not just in the first trimester :( Ahhhhh well. I've adjusted to it a little bit. I just have to carry food and water with me AT ALL TIMES because when I get hungry it gets BAD.

I can't believe that at my next appt. with my midwife (May 1) I will be almost 20 WEEKS!!!! That's HALFWAY!!!! Unbelievable!

Okey, now some Non-baby news:

Erik's getting a company car!!! I'm really excited about it, because we need a new car in a bad way and I was already worrying about it because I just wasn't sure how we could manage to get a new one since I lost my job/baby on the way. Well, kind of out of the blue the company offered him a car if he would move to a different city. Now he works about 10 minutes away, and in May he will be working about 40 minutes away. He's really happy about it. Even though his official office is 10 minutes away now, he RARELY works there. probably about 80% of the time he was working out of town anyway, sometimes at the office 40 minutes away, sometimes at the other offices spread throughout the country. Anyway, we went car shopping this weekend and it was SO MUCH FUN! We were test-driving like crazy. It's just pretty fun to be able to pick out a brand new car. We do have a budget of course, but it's MUCH higher than it would have been if we had been buying a car on our own. We also get a gas card with it!! Yayyyyy!!