I just had two entire days without this crushing feeling around my heart. Without the constant tears behind my eyes. Two entire days of happiness and lightheartedness. Of course today is not yesterday or the day before. Today the pain is back and that's ok. At least now I can remember what it's like to have two days without it.

My husband is away until friday on a business trip. I haven't done a thing today. The coffee table is covered in the plates, bowls and glasses that I've used throughout the day, and to be honest I just don't care. Yes, I am a slob. Tomorrow I'll start living again, but for now, for today, I'm still in my pj's, I haven't showered and I spent the entire day curled up on the couch watching TV. I will get to the shower thing sometime today because I'm starting to feel kinda just.... ewwwwww. Then I'll change to new pj's and spend the rest of the evening watching more TV. Then tomorrow I'll get up again, I'll clean this place up, I'll search for a job, I'll go to the gym. I'll do all of those things that I know that I need to do in order to keep this life of mine moving forward.

You know, the last time my husband was away for a week on this same business trip, I spent that monday doing almost the same thing. Well, the same, but so very different. I spent that day on the internet all day, searching for baby things, making plans for the nursery and the future. I ignored the domestic things and spent the day singing to my baby. I fell asleep with a baby name book still in my hands, my glasses still on my face. A few hours later I woke up with amniotic fluid flowing down my legs and the baby name book still in my hands. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, praying for a miracle, praying for God to take me instead, praying that my husband would arrive safe, but soon.

When did living become so difficult and will it ever be easy again?