I really should post here more often. I have a million different thoughts, ideas, and questions floating through my head and yet I feel so scattered. It's like it is impossible for me to grasp even one of those thoughts long enough to write something about it. Focus and concentration are still hard to come by and yet my mind finds it difficult to be still. It keeps me awake at night sometimes, this whirlwind in my head. Maybe that's why the working out thing brings such a relief to me. When I'm on the bike or the treadmill or the rowing machine, when I'm lifting weights or doing circuit training, I am able to focus on the task at hand. With everything else..... Pffffffffffft.

I'm still doing quite well overall. I've come a long way in this process, especially over the last month and yet the sadness still engulfs me. My heart is still shattered and the tears still well up at the most inopportune times. No, the sadness isn't gone. It isn't even any less than it was. It still hurts just the same as it did in the moment that I realized I would never see my son smile. It still hurts the same as it did at his birth, when the only cries I heard were my own.

No, the sadness is not gone, and yet somehow I am doing better. I guess it's not about taking the heartache away, but about finding ways to live with it.