Well, you all may not believe this, but do you know how I've been feeling since the day after my last post?? FANTASTIC! Really... amazingly... I feel GREAT! I'm still sad, I still miss my beautiful little boy, but it's different now. Finally I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I look in the mirror and I see that spark of life in my eyes again instead of just two dark pools of suffering. I feel my optimistic nature returning in abundance. I feel hopeful and peaceful and yes, even happy!

When my husband and I decided to put off on TTC for awhile I thought that I was just going to sink into depression even more, but quite the opposite has happened. I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Yes, I still long for children of my own but it doesn't have to be right this minute. I've still got a few years, God willing, to make that happen. I know already that I won't be able to have a 'normal pregnancy.' I will have to have a clercage, which carries its own set of worries, concerns, and potential challenges. Since I know this already I feel like the best thing I can do for myself at the moment is to get my body in the best shape that I possibly can in order to try and prevent some of the difficulties that could arise. For instance, sometimes women with cervical stitches are put on bedrest. Well, in my current physical condition that would be devastating to me. I mean, I am not at all fit.... too many years of sickness, laziness, and chocolate. I want to be fit! I want to KNOW without a doubt that my body is physically healthy so that in the future I can provide a safe and healthy environment for life to form once again.

I've already made some great changes within myself in that regard. The food I eat now compared to even a month ago is MUCH better. My husband and I have joined a gym and not only did we join, but we're also GOING. It makes me feel strong and proud of myself to go. It makes me feel closer to Erik because we are each other's best cheerleaders. Together we can achieve anything. Then there's that feeling after a really hard work-out. I don't always like it while I'm doing it, but afterwards it's amazing. After a hard workout I feel like I've just taken the most amazing 'feel good' drug ever discovered. I think I knew that at one time in my life, but I kind of forgot about it.

Anyway, the entire point of this post is: I FEEL GREAT! I am really doing so wonderfully for the first time since my little Ricky fell asleep to this world.

A dear friend of mine kept saying "Let go and let God" and to be honest I kept thinking, yes, but I have to DO something. Yes, but I have to fix it all. Yes, but I don't WANT to let go! Then, for some reason, I had no "yes, but's" left and I finally just DID it. Thanks, JC for saying it until I was ready to hear it. Thank you.