I'm just so overwhelmed. My husband and I have decided not to TTC again for awhile. Well.... I'm going to be really honest about it.... in a lot of ways it is my husband who made that decision. We had a discussion about it and it's really clear to me that it's not something that he's ready for at the moment. I made the decision to go along with it for now because I don't want it to happen until it's the right time for it, and if he's not ready, then we're not ready. I must admit though, I'm struggling with it. My heart is breaking. The points that he made are definitely valid ones though and in my mind I know that he's right this time, that we should wait for a little while and the time will be right when it's right. Normally I am a fairly patient person, but this time I feel like asking every day, is it right now?? Is now the time?? I KNOW it's not in my head, but my heart tells me something else.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ricky it felt like a miracle. We weren't actively TTC (I mean, we weren't charting and temping and all of that stuff.) But for 4 years we used no form of BC or anything like that. I really started to believe that maybe something was wrong, maybe we would never have children or we would have to go through fertility treatment or something in order to have children. Then I was pregnant. Unexpectedly, blissfully pregnant. It felt like a miracle. Then our family was hit by tragedy when my MIL became very ill very quickly and passed away a few weeks later. The pregnancy felt even more like a miracle then. Like something beautiful and wonderful that the entire family was clinging to in the face of tragedy. Then he was gone. So quickly that beautiful little life left us. And now I'm here..... feeling like I got only half a miracle.

I know what I need to do... I need to address my husband's fears and work to resolve them, or at least to get them to a point where compromise is possible. He wants kids, he just doesn't see how it will work right now. I need to show him that it WILL work. We've agreed that if we can get to that point where he can see a light at the end of the tunnel... where he can feel comfortable and happy bringing a child into our lives... that we will seriously start TTC, no holds barred. That we will start TTC even if it means seeing Drs and getting treatments, whatever it takes. But how can I make that happen? I'm just tired. I'm so so tired and I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to make it work.

I'm a firm believer in the old adage that God helps those who help themselves. I'm trying.... I don't know how to help myself anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm trying to live again.... trying to find joy again... trying to find that passion for life again.... but I just can't find it. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place. I just wish I could recognize myself again.