Yesterday, for about half of the day, I was alright. I didn't cry first thing when I woke up. I didn't feel the need to take the meds that the Dr. gave me (anti-anxiety/ valium type meds) I sat with my husband and we talked about Ricky without overwhelming sadness in my heart. I think I even laughed a few times. Then the whole world just started cracking again.

Today.... well.... today is just horrible. I keep thinking about last monday, when I was still living in blessed ignorance of what was about to happen. Last monday I totally ignored the things that 'should' be done (like cleaning the house and all that) and I spent the whole day doing 'baby' stuff. I turned on the radio instead of the tv because I wanted to sing to my little one. I chatted with other mamma's to be on the net about our hopes and dreams and fears. I searched the internet for the things I wanted to buy and the nursery furniture. I was just so happy and giddy and excited.

I can't believe how quickly everything changes. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I also find myself getting SO angry. I'm not used to being angry, it's just really not in my nature to be angry and it feels uncomfortable, but I just can't help it. When people label what I went through as 'late miscarriage' I just want to rip out their hearts. I don't know how to explain that. I guess I just wish that people understood one thing..... I actually had to go though the process of labour and delivery, and the child that came from my womb, although tiny, was a perfect tiny little human being, with ten fingers and ten toes. I had seen his heart beating on the u/s photos.... I even saw that he had a tiny little brain in there.

Everyone keeps saying that things will get better. Sometimes I actually believe that, sometimes, like yesterday, I actually FELT that way. But now today I'm sitting here and I just can't IMAGINE how things will ever feel better. I miss my son. I want him cuddled safe and sound in my belly again.