Well, I took a big step today. I finally went to my family dr. to talk to him about all of this stuff. I haven't been dealing very well lately. I'm angry, I'm scattered, I'm sad, I can't focus, I always feel like I'm an inch away from being in a complete panic.

So the first challenge at my Dr's office was that the waiting room was just FILLED with children, babies, and pregnant women! Usually when I go there the waiting room is filled with older people. NO NO, NOT today! *I* was going there today, so today HAD to be the day that every child in the world had a sniffle. (Well, at least that's how it felt.) A little girl, probably about 4 years old actually said to her mom, "Mama... it's so sad, she misses her baby," and then pointed to me! Children really must see a world that we do not.. it's strange isn't it?

Anyway, by the time I made it to his office I was a TOTAL wreck. I was shaking and I had that stinging feeling of tears right behind my eyes. I probably looked like I was having a nervous breakdown, and who knows, maybe I was.

We talked for awhile and I told him how I was feeling. He suggested that I should go to see a psychologist, and probably that is the best thing for me to do. There is a 6 week waiting list to get into the psychologist, but with one phone call my Dr. was able to get me an appointment for Monday morning. He was worried that if I didn't have an outlet soon that I would slip into a much more severe depression and thought that my situation could be classified as an 'emergency' situation.

I feel relieved to be going really. I have to admit though, I'm pretty terrified at the same time. I guess I just don't like to thought of opening up, face to face, with a complete stranger. Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the 'stranger' part. Maybe I'm afraid of totally opening up because I'm afraid of what I'll find there. Afraid of the things that I may actually be trying to hide from myself. Knowledge is always power though, even when we learn things that we'd rather not know. I've always been the kind of person who would rather know that not know in all situations, so maybe there are some things inside of me that I really do need to get out in the open.