I'm glad that it's the weekend. It will be nice to NOT be alone for a few days. When I'm alone I start thinking about all of the things that I don't really want to think about. Things like how much Ricky must have suffered in the 24 hours between my water breaking and his delivery. It's just so apparent in the pictures that I have of him that his passing was not easy, and that he really fought to stay with us. It hurts me so deep, knowing that, and it makes me feel guilty that my body couldn't protect him from it.

The last two days have been a bit dark. I feel weak and defeated. I feel lonely and desperate and like I wish I could just disappear.