It's so strange, not being pregnant anymore. Sometimes I even forget, until I put on my pre-pregnancy jeans that are just starting to fit me again, or I look in a mirror and that distinctive prego shape isn't looking back at me. I never thought that I would be longing to have that morning sickness feeling all day. I never thought I'd miss all of that gagging and food aversion and craving. I do miss it though... desperatly. Now I'm having food aversions for the things that I craved while pregnant, mostly because everytime I eat one of those things that I enjoyed while pregnant it just makes me SO SAD. I'm doing my best here, not to blame myself, not to let the grief take over my whole life. I'm trying so hard to balance the grief and crying with living. I know I have to keep living, I have to still search out the joy in life, though it seems like it's well hidden these days. I'm trying, I'm really trying, but that feeling of numbness, that feeling that this all REALLY happened to someone else and I was just witness to it, it's starting to go away. It's just feeling all too real to me today and that wave that comes over me, that feeling that someone is just squeezing and squeezing my heart, trying so hard to make it burst, that feeling makes me just want to curl up in my bed, bury my head in the sand, forget that there is such a thing as 'life' going on out there.