I'm exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.

The visit with my parents was wonderful. It kept me very busy, which was a nice distraction from all of the pain and grief that I have been feeling. They left on Monday afternoon and it was a difficult good-bye. I love living here, and I love my life here for the most part, but lately I've been hearing my "home" far away calling me back. I guess since losing Rieky (MIL) and since losing Ricky I am just missing that comfortably familiar feeling of 'family.' If it were not for the financial implications I think we would pack up and move right away. I think my husband even feels it. Now that both of his parents have passed on there is just not really a reason to stay here anymore. Of course with the financial aspect of it all it's just not possible to pick up our lives and move to a different country at the moment. Maybe in the future, who knows?

The house just felt so empty again yesterday. Part of me was relieved about it because I finally had a moment alone again, a moment to sit and weep, a moment to cry and scream and ask that question with no answer.... WHY? After the moment was over it just felt empty again though, and that is a feeling that I am just so uncomfortable with.

It's been 7 weeks today since my precious little boy was born. I never imagined that I could ever miss someone this much, especially someone that I never had the chance to know. I never imagined that I could love the way that I love him. I am sad and angry that he is gone, but even so I would never want to change the fact that he was with me once. I am such a different person than I was before his existence. I hope that some of those changes go away with time, like thinking a bit more negatively. I have always been an optimist and I do hope that my optimism returns one day. There are other changes that I want to keep forever. Like the empathy that I feel when I see someone else's pain, like the gratitude and appreciation that I have for my husband and my parents and my family and my friends that I have always had, but before Ricky too often took for granted.

I'm starting to see and plan for my future again. I feel that optimistic spirit starting to return, even if only in tiny little pieces. Does that mean I miss him any less?? No, not at all. I miss him more and more every day. Does that mean I love him less?? No, my love for him just keeps growing. My love for him is what is healing me. It fills my heart and makes me want to live again. Often that love touches a part of my heart that is still tender and raw, and then it hurts, and then I sob and I wail and I cry out for mercy! But after the sobbing and wailing comes peace as that part of my heart begins to heal, because this love that I have for him, it is the purest sense of love that I have ever felt. This kind of love, no matter what the circumstances, can only enrich my life and feed my soul. This love transcends my anguish, it overpowers my despair. This love is good and pure and could never be a bad thing to experience.