I had so many good intentions today. I was going to scrub away this pain, put everything in it's place, bring order and beauty and happiness again.
Instead I sit here crying and unshowered, the dishes are piled in the sink, the floors are dirty and dust covers everything good and right
I'm sitting here shaking. I don't know how to do it anymore. What do I do with the dirty dishes?
How can there ever be order?
My heart tells me to just break it all, just throw those dishes in the floor and walk over them until my feet are bloody, until they hurt so much I don't feel the pain in my heart.
It's almost 7 o'clock in the evening and families are laughing in the park across the street. I'm just sitting here in my dirty, empty house waiting for someone to tell me what to do next.
I really did have good intentions today. I just don't know where to start anymore.
I'm an American woman, living in the Netherlands with my Dutch husband. On April 12, 2006 our sweet baby boy was born sleeping in my 17th week of pregnancy. This is my journey.
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3 comments:
lis - each day has it's own challenges and rewards....look at the fact that you got out of bed today - that is a blessing- that is a reward -
your challenge each day is finding a reason to get out of bed - to continue on with the pain weighing heavily on your heart and each do you do find a way...
your heart will find a way...the love that erik bestows upon you will heal what is broken - because love has that power
i think of you each day and pray for you and erik...
with love love and more love
~bunnihuggles~
Lisa,
I have sat here for a long time trying to find the words...they escape me again and again.
I feel so crushed for you and I wish I could help carry this burden for you.
The only source of similar identity I have to offer is the grieving process. I understand the anxiety that simple things in life create...like the dishes or the mail, the phone ringing and feeling expected to answer it. The emotional bankruptcy is unbearable and it sends me into a downward spiral. I see you there too. I don't want you to feel alone.
The two things that have worked for me is giving myself a small goal such as 5 minutes to do as many dishes as I can or playing 1 song on my CD player to pick up as many things as I can before the song is over. I have to start small too Lisa. Please know that you are not alone, people care about you and are praying. JC
Lis,
If you ever need a helping hand, you know you are more than welcome to call on me...but since this isn't really about the mess and how you are feeling, let me just relay my own story. As you know, I go through depressive winters. In those times, it is so difficult to face each new day...even getting out of bed is a chore. On those days when I'm feeling really down and I make it out of bed and into the shower, I call it a job well done. Take it in tiny baby steps, give yourself a plan and be proud when you manage to just get out of bed. Maybe making a list every night with Erik would help you to organize your day a bit when he isn't home. Let him help you decide what needs doing and as you cross off the items, you'll know he's there with you helping you get through that chore. And if you don't manage, the list will always be there tomorrow. Just take care of you. Nothing else at this point matters. You may feel as if you're going crazy, but I know you're doing okay. It isn't easy and I'll keep you in my prayers.
Tera
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