Home-
An environment offering security and happiness.
A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin


I've been thinking about 'home' all day today. The only thing that feels like home lately is my husband. When he is not here I just feel like I'm passing the day away in this building, when he's here I feel like I'm home. Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck between two places. When I am here I want to go 'home' to West Virginia. When I am in West Virginia I want to go 'home' to the Netherlands.

In the past year or two I've started to really feel at home here, I've started building my life here. I am to the point that I understand the language well enough to always know what's going on around me, and I speak the language well enough to be involved in conversations and to make myself at least understood in almost all circumstances. I was working, I was creating new relationships, I was enjoying life.

Now I feel like I'm starting all over again. I'm totally dependent on Erik for everything lately. Financially, emotionally, even spiritually in some ways. I'm just feeling so lost and it's not a nice place to be.

Everyone keeps saying that it gets easier, that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I believed that for awhile, I held on to that for awhile. It's true that I don't wake up in tears every morning the way I did the first week after I lost Ricky. It's true that I don't spend every waking moment feeling sad and alone. It is not, however, feeling any easier. If anything, the pain is only cutting me deeper and deeper as the days pass. I try not to lock myself up in this house, I try to go out and face the world. It's difficult. Mostly I just wish that I could stay in bed all day.

I took this online test, the Goldberg test on a medical site, measuring depression. This is what it has to say about me: You have the symptoms of severe depression. The condition seems to cause serious problems in your everyday life, and you should consult your doctor immediately. Well I guess I knew that answer already, and I guess it's probably even the EXPECTED result in situations like this. Just a few short weeks ago I would have answered all of those questions SO very differently.

I'm thinking I might actually go see my Dr. about this all anyway. He actually made a house call the week I lost Ricky, just to check my general health, check that my uterus felt the way it should, and see where I was psychologically. He gave me some meds then to help me sleep and help me when I felt really anxious and upset. I HATE taking meds, but I'm thinking of asking for something again anyway. I feel like if I could just get my footing a little bit, if I just had a little bit of help somehow dealing with all of this anxiety and stress that keeps eating away at me, that I might actually start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm starting to feel all of this pressure to "get over it." Not from Erik or from any really close friends, but from the rest of the world. The neighbors are starting to give me strange looks and even my dad said the other day "you're going to have to be strong and just deal with this." I don't think he really meant it the way that I heard it to be honest, but I really feel like he has NO clue where I am right now.

There's more to write, but I'm out of energy.