God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes, I know it's the prayer they say at AA, I've seen it on TV enough. I also know that this prayer is sometimes so overused that it seems almost cliche, but this prayer has been keeping me going all day.

I realized today, my life has changed SO MUCH in the last few months. I found out I was pregnant, which was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Only a few days after finding out I was pregnant, my mother in law was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we were told that she had only about 3 months to live. Actually, the last conversation that we had with her outside of the hospital was to tell her that we were expecting. That was Feb. 2. She was admitted to the hospital only a few days after that with severe stomach pain and increasing signs of dementia and alzheimer's. During most of her hospital stay it was difficult to converse with her. Sometimes she would say things like "I have something so important to tell you.... la la la la la la la la." It was SO very difficult seeing her in that state. She was truly the most loving woman that I've ever known and our relationship with each other was very special and unique. Her family, myself included, had to make a very difficult decision to put her into a sort of care facility. She was moved from the hospital to the care facility on March 20. On March 21 she passed away. in about 6 weeks time she went from a very happy and vibrant woman, to a woman who was dependent on morphine for pain relief, a woman who could no longer feed herself and bathe herself. In a lot of ways her death was easier to deal with emotionally than the end of her life was. It was just so terribly heartbreaking to see her that way. This amazing woman whom I loved so much, this amazing woman who raised my husband to be the kind of man that ANY mother would be proud of. After her funeral I was very sad, but I was also happy for her, that she could finally rest, that she would finally have life again with the dignity and grace that she deserves.

Oh yes..... I was talking about all of the changes. Of course the next big change was the most painful on the personal level. That was the loss of my baby. The loss of all of those hopes and dreams. Not being able to know the person that he would grow up to be. Not being able to have Friday night movie nights, where we watched "shark tale" every Friday for two months straight. Not even knowing what color his hair would be, or what color his eyes would be. Not knowing if he would have his daddy's smile.

Of course, then we come to another change in our home. The loss of our beloved pet piggy, Lucy. Yes, she was just a guinea pig, and perhaps those of you who have never had a pet and those of you who are not animal lovers don't quite understand that it can be quite painful. That's ok, we're all different and there's nothing wrong with that. I did love her though, and my house feels like it's missing something now that she's gone.

There have been other more positive changes too. A new car, a different job for my husband (which is why we got the new car) I lost my job. Maybe that doesn't seem positive, and at the time it didn't feel that way either, but NOW it feels positive. I never could have dealt with the pressure that I had there and I'm not sad that I don't have to go there anymore. I do miss a few of my co-workers though, I miss being surrounded by a lot of really good people every day.

I know this entry is quite rambling, I guess I just needed to write all of this down. My point is, my life has been full of changes lately. Some big changes, some small changes. It's sometimes just overwhelming and I wish that things could just stay the same for a few minutes, but the changes are constant, and most of them I have no control over.

I've been trying to control things. I've been feeling guilty thinking that I COULD have controlled things. That's why the prayer has been in my mind so much today. I need to take a step back. I need to stop trying to control the things that I have no control over. I need to make positive changes in my life in the places where I CAN control things. I need to be able to see the difference.