As you may have all noticed (if anyone ever still comes here) this blog has been shut down. You can find me at http://msyennis.blogspot.com

Happy Birthday, sweet baby Ricky.

A year ago today you were born. It is not the day that I would have chosen for you to be born. It was too early, and now I can't hold you or kiss you, or smell your sweet little baby smell. I feel you though, all around me, every day.

The time that we had together was so special and so beautiful to me. You taught me of a love that I never knew before. You taught me to cry when I need to, and to laugh at every opportunity. You taught me that I have the strength to face anything that the world throws at me, and that part of being strong is not trying to do everything on my own.

You were, and still are, an amazing gift that I've been given.

Today, on your birthday, I wish that I could shower you with presents and watch you dive into your first birthday cake. I can't give you any of the material things that a child would normally receive on their birthday. I guess you've also taught me that none of those material things really matter anyway. The only thing I have to give you is my love, and I will love you until every star in the sky has been extinguished.

Happy birthday my sweet baby boy.

Ok... so this is the thing.... I'm SO ANGRY! This just isn't fair. Do you know what I wanted to be when I grew up? I wanted to be a mom. I mean, I wanted to work too... but inside of me I always knew that the most IMPORTANT job I'd ever have was being a mother. I know that things like this happen, you know? I mean, I don't expect to lead a charmed life. It's just, why THIS thing??

Oh, I miss my family. My grandmother is the most amazing woman. Throughout my entire life, she has been this warm, bright, presence of acceptance and love and understanding. When I just have the chance to talk to her on the phone it brightens my day. I feel like, if I could just be in her presence... if I could just lay my head on her shoulder... that I might find a little peace.

I know that I haven't had much to say lately. That's not entirely true, my head is filled with things that I'd like to say. I just feel blocked when I'm trying to write it down. I feel emotionally bankrupt in a lot of ways. I don't spend every day sad or crying anymore, and that's good, but I do feel this enormous void. I also feel like I just can't express emotion anymore. Like I'm just putting up this wall and I'm having a hard time letting anyone in lately. I've tried to be really open about all of this, not to let it fester inside of me. It's not really festering now, it's just all being pushed back. Even with my husband, as wonderful as we are at communicating with each other, there's just so much inside and I can't talk about it, I don't know how to.

Maybe this is good, maybe it's just the way the healing process takes place. I don't know. It leaves me feeling a little bit lost and a little bit dead on the inside.

I just had two entire days without this crushing feeling around my heart. Without the constant tears behind my eyes. Two entire days of happiness and lightheartedness. Of course today is not yesterday or the day before. Today the pain is back and that's ok. At least now I can remember what it's like to have two days without it.

My husband is away until friday on a business trip. I haven't done a thing today. The coffee table is covered in the plates, bowls and glasses that I've used throughout the day, and to be honest I just don't care. Yes, I am a slob. Tomorrow I'll start living again, but for now, for today, I'm still in my pj's, I haven't showered and I spent the entire day curled up on the couch watching TV. I will get to the shower thing sometime today because I'm starting to feel kinda just.... ewwwwww. Then I'll change to new pj's and spend the rest of the evening watching more TV. Then tomorrow I'll get up again, I'll clean this place up, I'll search for a job, I'll go to the gym. I'll do all of those things that I know that I need to do in order to keep this life of mine moving forward.

You know, the last time my husband was away for a week on this same business trip, I spent that monday doing almost the same thing. Well, the same, but so very different. I spent that day on the internet all day, searching for baby things, making plans for the nursery and the future. I ignored the domestic things and spent the day singing to my baby. I fell asleep with a baby name book still in my hands, my glasses still on my face. A few hours later I woke up with amniotic fluid flowing down my legs and the baby name book still in my hands. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital, praying for a miracle, praying for God to take me instead, praying that my husband would arrive safe, but soon.

When did living become so difficult and will it ever be easy again?